Thursday, December 9, 2010

10 Reasons to Bow to Rats

1. Have you ever survived on dumpster and gutter food? No. Bow.

2. Can you make a home inside any tree by eating a hole in it? Yes? Well, most people can't. I can't. Bow.

3. Can you survive naked in any climate? ... What? Yes? ... No you cannot. Bow.

4. How many times has your species stowed away on a pirate ship as a way of migrating between continents? ... Every time rats have? Well... They have sharp teeth. I'm talking razor sharp. They can and have cut through kevlar. That's how they got into my shed - by chewing through my kevlar lock. They stole some tools. It was either them or my neighbor with a bolt cutter. I don't know... Also they can chew through adamantium.

5. They have tails. That's a definite, and you do not. Or if you do - weird. Bow for that at least.

6. They leave cute little prints in the snow with their feet and tails. I challenge any human to have feet that small and a tail.

7. They do not watch 2 1/2 Men. A million points.

8. Rats do not start wars. In fact, if anything, they clean them up by feasting on the corpses. So that's an act of peace and tidiness.

9. They scare the hell out of mice.

10. Because I've spoken with them, and overall they're just better-mannered and more reasonable. If one knows you and it sees you, it will always say hi, or if it doesn't like you, it will say so and tell you why, and then you can come to an understanding that's honest. They don't waste space by building suburbs with split level homes.

So bow, don't poison.

Goodnight, rats.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Being Late

Some people say being late or absent all the time makes you seem irresponsible, but I'm gonna give you the key to seeming responsible: Lie. What you lack in punctuality, you can always make up for in dishonesty.

It's best to lie, and then find a new subject of discussion quickly. So you've got your easy standbys that most people know are a lie:
That thing? Sorry I wasn't there I was...
1. Stuck in traffic.
2. Stuck at work.
3. Being used for psychological experiments beyond my control. It was a crazy one. I'd tell you about it but it's classified.

At least those are mine. But you wanna deflect quickly:
1b. I fell in a sewer! Can you believe it?! A freaking sewer was missing its lid! ... Yeah, no, I'm ok now.
2b. I was installing Christmas lights and got electrocuted. ... No, I've never seen "National Lampoon's Vacation". What's that?
3b. I had to rescue orphans. From a fire. ... No, I'm no hero. They're the heroes, so brave. ... Well, I adopted some of them.
4b. I'm a doctor. Sometimes we get called. ... You didn't know that? Well, I like to be modest. ... Being a doctor? Well, I won't lie - some days it's hell. But when you save even one life, it makes it all worth it. ... Sure, I've saved many. Many many. ... How do I find the time to do that and my other job that you know I have? There's always time for saving lives.

And if you wanna add an extra bit of spite to your excuse, tell something that is obviously false but no one can call you on.
1c. There's a crazy blizzard outside. ... No there's not? Well, there is by my house, which is over 10 minutes away, walking. You wouldn't know, because you were here on time. ... It's summer you say? Well, maybe here, but at my house... Gee, global warming, huh?
2c. I turned into a chicken and then back again. No one will ever be able to explain how or why. Eggs anyone? (do come with eggs)
3c. Yeah, yes I was late... Anybody want cornbread? Just baked it. (do bring cornbread)

Also you can always say you had diarrhea. Just practice your dishonesty and you too can awaken the sleeping liar within. I believe in self-improvement.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Here's the key to success: Merciless self-hatred. What you wanna do is constantly evaluate yourself against some impossible, unreal standard and stick to it. DO NOT ENJOY SUCCESS, EVEN FOR A MOMENT - that's called weakness. Weakness is a great reason to hate yourself, so remind yourself that you're weak a lot. It's like being your own personal coach - abusive and scary.

Assume you can't do it, force yourself unreasonably, and then make small failures into big ones. It's all about perspective - small failure = big failure, small success = failure, actual failure = exactly what you thought you were capable of in the first place, you weakling. So you predicted successfully - success.

I believe in you. Hope that helps.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Helpful Thoughts Series

Why Helpful Thoughts? The most rewarding thing is helping people, lifting them out of the dumps. It's a really great feeling to lift somebody up out of the dumps, because the dumps are hard to get out of, and when you lift them, you feel real big because hey, at least you're not as bad as them.

How to Not Be Depressed

Be more like me. C'mon, man. Buck up. Get out to your Camaro, roll the top down, and throw some money up in the air. You've got plenty of it to blow anyway.

Helpful Thoughts Series: 2

Warm socks? Yes please.

Helpful Thoughts Series: 1

Sometimes I like to eat a banana with a meal, sometimes without. That's something you should know about me.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sensitive Reflections

Sometimes, when I think about how much I hate people, it makes me want to fight good.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Quick Chopper 2000

Quick Chopper 2000 - I know what you're thinking: outdated. Right? It's from 2000, and it's 2010 now. Well, you're right in a way. It is mislabeled. If they want to label it right, they should call it the Quick Chopper 2020, because this thing is from the future!

Friday, November 12, 2010


I've been trying hard to keep this under wraps, but here goes: I'm joining a survivalist resistance. Not for the reason you think - survival - but because I'd really like to lure a woman into a bunker, tell her there's a nuclear holocaust happening, and then Uh oh! We have to repopulate the planet. NO kids though. I don't need to be tied down. After we make it outta here there's a whole world out there for me to live in. I can't be tethered to a bunch of drooling little flesh piles like some ... tether ball. I've gotta be free! Of course, she'll say,
"But the world's all gone," to which I'll say,
"Well, let's take a look."
Then I open the door.
"Hey look! It came back again!" I exclaim with glee, having already gained my prize. See, the thing is - no nuclear holocaust ever happened.

I feel a little guilty about that, but here's how I rationalize it: I wanted to. See? - easy to rationalize.

Plus, if we did have kids, what are our kids supposed to do? Keep populating? Gross! You can't repopulate the world with just two people. Because your kids cannot procreate. Not in my house. And my house is the world now because everything else has been annihilated. So no - repopulation begins and ends with me and your mother. Go find something else to do kids, not procreate, not incest. Gross. Gross gross gross gross.

Saturday, November 6, 2010


You may laugh at the idea of a Thetan - a robot soul that goes to outer space after you die that Scientologists made up - but it is real. Believe me, someone from outer space.

And you wanna have yours clean. How do you clean it? Well, first you have to go to a place of Scientology - a Scientodome I call them - and then, they'll take your Thetan out from behind your soul and send it up to a space car wash where they specialize in Thetans. Unicorns work there. Doo-biddy-doo-biddy-boo.

What do they do, you ask? First they pick at the gunk on your Thetan with their horns, and then they use their delicate tails to buff it. Then they puke on it for wax.

That's gonna be one hot-lookin' Thetan when they're done with it. You can pull up to stop lights and race other Thetans. Most of them will back down because yours is clearly a winner, based on its shiny, pristine appearance. "That's a hot Thetan," you're opponent will say.

If you'd like to know more about Thetans, you can go here. But trust me, it's just a robot soul.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

The Learning Process

I'd like to say I've learned from my mistakes, but here I am, computing in the bathtub again. At least this time I'm making toast in a toaster too.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I object to the term "Redneck". It's a word with many origins, not all of which are negative. In fact, a lot of people proudly display the word on the back of their trucks, saying to the world, "That's right - I'm a redneck and proud." That's why I prefer to call those people white trash. It hurts more. You can't call them a redneck if they're proud of it. It's the same reason you can't call them ignorant, racist, backwards, stupid or fat. They're just too damn proud of it.

Historically, the word "redneck" has been used pejoratively to describe ignorant, backwards white people. At least by me. And when I say "historically", I mean "in the history of my using the the word, which is long and illustrious". Usually people only use it to describe poor people, which I think is wrong and do not do. But my objection is with how little it now hurts. I'd like to really hurt these people - hurt them in a way that having their economy crippled and making them poor cannot. I mean break their spirits.

I dream of a future when some white trash person who used to be upper-middle class is now dirt poor, looking for scapegoats, and, finding none, is simply too apathetic and broken to hate effectively. A lot of them are there already, but there are too many rich white trashes funding the poor ones' misunderstandings and brutal hate. So let's get the rich ones.

Here's what my dream would sound like:
"D'joo f'nish off all the chee-ups?" (Did you finish all the chips?
"Naw." (No.)
"Gawdam..." (God-damned, then ineffective search for a scapegoat.)

My hope is not that the easy-to-identify "other" will no longer be there, but that hating them will be too pointless to even try. How calling people white trash helps that, I don't know. But I'm willing to try for as long as it takes.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Perfect Physique

Sometimes I think I have too many muscles. Then I remember, no I don't.

I'm basically a big pile of flesh-colored circles. "Lumbering" would be a good way to describe the way I walk. My vein is the size of your bicep.

There's lots of good things about having big muscles. First of all, your muscles are huge.

Secondly, well, look at you. Check out those muscles. Nice!

But the most important thing is that your muscles are really big, and isn't that great? There's nothing better than having big muscles. They're better than having a great lawn that you can mow all the time, because if you're mowing it without a shirt on, you want to have a lot of muscles.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Forced Pregnancy People

Some people in Missouri, humans, want to stop a bill that will keep puppies and mothers from being starved, dehydrated, forcibly impregnated, crammed in boxes, and otherwise tortured. Here's why I think why:

Humans have a poor understanding of other animals, so the people who are against this probably really like being starved and forcibly impregnated and think other animals do too. Not true. Most animals really hate it.

I heard about this and wanted clarification so I asked the guy I was sitting next to on the bus.
"Do you like being starved?" I asked.
"... No."
"What about dehydrated, forcibly?"
He shook his head.
"Ok. What about forcibly impregnated?"
Get this - he looked at me like I'm crazy! But people like this! They must, otherwise they'd never advocate doing it to another animal.
"Crammed in a box?"
No response.
"What if I just out-and-out tortured you?"
He got another seat.

So, I don't know - some people like being forcibly impregnated, some people like finding other seats. There's a whole lot of mystery out there.

Friday, October 1, 2010



And I'm taking your jobs, Earth detectives. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Life After People

I've been watching the Life After People TV series. I think the ominous tone is pretty arrogant. If I was in charge, I'd be like, "50 years after people... dadaladadadadadaadeedledaaa! Ole!..." Mariachi music!

If a mouse made that TV show it'd be like "Episode 1: Finally, No More Traps". Also, the world would be rocked by the first TV show by a mouse, not only because he or she had the interest, but because it managed to play the social games necessary to run a TV show.

Can you imagine a mouse telling a gaffer what to do? That gaffer would be pissed. He's 10 years out of film school, got a great idea for a feature film all fleshed out at home, tons of talent, and here he is, taking orders from some newbie mouse. Typical.

There's no way that mouse could've paid his dues! He doesn't have the lifespan! Or she.

Personally, as someone who plans to eradicate all human life, the most disturbing thing I find in it is how much will be left behind to clean up. Not that I will. What am I, your maid? I'm not doing maid's work. A maid can do that.

I think the idea of a Rapture is pretty cool. That's why I'm a Baptist now. I've only just started, but I want to really start pushing that idea into action. Right now they seem like all talk. Let's really lobby God and get you people out of here. More Rapture NOW!

If I seem down on people, just remember, I hate you all and hope that some day nothing remains but your dead bodies to fertilize the soil. So it's not all negative. I think you're good for nutrients, kind of. Not as good as bat poop.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010


That last post seemed arrogant, and it was. But here's the deal with arrogance: anybody who says you're arrogant is just jealous of how great you are. Remember that. If anyone tries to "bring you back down to earth", remind them - earth sucks. You can keep it. Only a jerk would want earth and you're beneath me anyway. It's gracious things like that that prove you're better than them.

Hmm... Good Question, Me

How do you break up with someone that's not as great as you? It's easy. Just keep in mind two things: No one out there is as great as you, and great partners are easy to come by.

Let's tackle them one by one.

No one is as great as you. If they were, they would be with your girlfriend/boyfriend right now. But they're not, so now you're girlfriend/boyfriend is sure to live a life knowing they've settled for less, romantically. Isn't that great? Doesn't it feel good to know that for somewhere out there, whoever they are with is only because they're not still with you? Power. It gives one a great sense of power.

Nothing is easier to come by than a great partner. If you are in a lawn and garden section, and you're looking at lawn chairs stacked 12 feet in the air, priced 3 for a dollar, remember that truly great partners are even easier to come by than that. Ask yourself these two simple questions - Are they desperate/capable of desperation? and Have they already rejected me? You want a "Yes/No". A "Yes/Yes" will also do. A "No/Yes" is the hardest, but it can work as long as you constantly remind them how great you are.

Excellent question.

More Steam

Sometimes I think I'm running out of steam and then I'm like, "Hey, more steam."

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Feeling Hurt

What really hurts is beatings and torture.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Mix Up

Today I almost confused an Ovenbird for a Swainson Thrush. Hahaha! As you can imagine, it was awkward for a second but everyone was good natured about it. Ovenbirds are used to it.

Not like that time I confused a human and an Orangutan.

"What did you call me?" he said.

"Orangutan, hide! Before the humans learn you can speak their language!" I said. Then he started hiding, then remembered "wait, I'm the human". It took him about 40 minutes. Finally, he came out of the closet and said, "Hold on..." Then he thought about it for another 40 minutes, twisting his face in a grotesque parody of thought.

I left. I knew he'd be mad. Humans are sensitive about being called anything they're not - orangutan, ape, piece of shit - even if you mean it as a compliment.

He sent me an e-mail later that week saying,
Dear Ron,
NOT! U r NOT dear to me at all!!!!11

Peter Voser, Chief Executive of Shell Oil

That hurt.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010


Every story should have a moral, a lesson, so: Once there was a little boy who had to learn a lesson, so he got himself involved in a fable.

"But I don't want to learn a lesson," the little boy said.

"Too bad," said the author, "Fable time."

So the boy did a slightly immoral thing, and then was horribly over-punished with what's known as "Germanic Death" - a witch eating him, or a wolf eating him, or a witch burning him alive in an oven and feeding him to a wolf, or troll. I think the thing he did was get lured into a house made of gingerbread cookies and candy like anyone would.

Who wouldn't? It sounds delicious! Well, I would've started outside by eating the candy vinyl siding or what-have-you, maybe the gumdrop gutter... I bet there was probably a garden that sprouted flowers that were really candy. You better believe I'd eat those. Mmm... MmmMmmmMmmmmm... Jmmmmmmmmm... Mmmmmmmmmm... Mmm.... MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmMMMMMMMmmmmmMMM.... I say good work, kid. Just next time, don't let a witch eat you. That's my lesson. To me, that's the moral of the story. But he's dead, so that doesn't help him.

Which leads me to the real lesson: don't write sick, cruel stories about kids.The house was made of gingerbread and candy. How could any child be expected to resist that? If he did, then there's really something wrong with him. It'd take a lot of fables to fix that. So I blame the parents. And more so, the witch. That boy should not have learned any lessons.

So I guess the moral of that story is, don't learn something. Let someone else do it. If you're curious or afraid, good! Follow that. Someone else will try it eventually, and that saves you a lot of trouble, and bravery. Don't let courage get the best of you. Never let courage win.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Good Way to Fail

We all have failures. The best thing to do is to sit up at night and think about them. For instance, once I thought I could get a date with this really cute, smart human girl named Dora Robinson. I did. It was great. We're still together. Bad example.

Well, so one time I thought I'd buy Dora some flowers, and I told her I would, so if I didn't it would be bad. I really set myself up for failure that time. But I'd already bought them by the time I told her, and they were very fresh so they wouldn't go bad or anything - they were in great condition. Ok, that's another bad example of failing.

Hey! I failed to give a good example! See? It's easy to fail. That's something to dwell on at night. Of course, I just gave a good example, so I guess I'm not a failure like you might be.

How do you know if you're a failure? It's easy to tell. Have you ever failed at anything? I mean anything. Then yes.

Once I was navigating an asteroid belt. The asteroids communicated to me that their corner of the universe was shrinking and within their lifetime they'd be enveloped into true nothingness. "Bad news, guys," I said and sped off. I don't know how that's related, but it's sad. And failure is pretty sad - so that's how.

I think one of the best ways to fail is to do it on purpose, like a magic trick. "Oh no, I've lost my hundred dollar bill." Everyone is sad. "Or is it behind your ear?" Everyone is happy, some are laughing. It's good to fail on purpose, when the goal is really to show everyone what a success you are. Still, try not to fail. If I did that magic trick it'd just be, "Surprise, a hundred dollars behind your ear!" Everyone would be happy, some laughing. "And you get to keep it! You all get 100 dollars! Check behind your ears, everyone!" Everyone's ecstatic. That's how I do magic - very very well.

The other day I stepped in dog poop. That was a failure. That's the failure I was sittng up and thinking about. Dwelling on the past is good because it changes it. If you think about something for long enough, and really give yourself a hard time about it, eventually the time space continuum warps around you and has sympathy and agrees to correct that embarrassing mistake. At least it does for me. You guys are just screwed.

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Scientific Proof

A lot of people postulate that you can't fit your head into a cereal box, but I tried it, and you can't. That's called proof.

Need more proof? You cannot walk on hot coals. Your feet will hurt really bad and you'll have to jump off. I've tried it - not just a theory anymore.

If you try to put your head in a ceral box, it may make it, but not while maintaining the structural integrity of the box. Depends on the box. That's called a variable.

Need more proof? A grown man can no longer fit into a kitchen cabinet. He may think he can because he remembers doing it when he was a kid, but those cabinets are smaller now because you're bigger. That's not a theory, I've tried it!

Variable: he may be a very small man in stature. He may also be small in character, like, petty. But that's a different variable.

And all this stuff - I didn't try it just once. To be scientifically proven it has to be repeatable, so I did many, many trials over hours of field research. You certainly cannot fit your head in a full cereal box. Full means still containing all the cereal.

You cannot headbutt through a door. My door stands resolutely as proof to that, mocking me as we speak. You win this time, door!

I hate this weak human forehead. This isn't over, door!

Monday, August 16, 2010

Cold Snow... Hot Pants!

from Amanda, based on the true events of
Cats with 'Staches: Glen (Own Wilson) is a bachelor with two best friends, his brother Ben (Luke Wilson) and his cat, Weiner Schnitzel. In order to attract more women, Glen decides to shave his hair to look like his cat who just happens to resemble a certain anti-Semitic German Leader [probably Hitler - ed.] Gene Hackman costars as Glen's kooky Jewish uncle, Motimer. Coming of age comedy.
Hot Pants: Luke Wilson is a ski jock who falls for champion skier Kate Hudson. Owen makes him magical hotpants to win the competition and her heart. Buddy comedy/coming of age film.

Jugs: Luke and Owen Wilson go in search of the perfect boobs - coming of age, buddy-type comedy.

Tee-peeing the Sahara: College pranksters Luke and Owen Wilson get into trouble with a West African warlord when they steal his college's mascot and vandalize it. This one's a coming of age film, kind of a buddy comedy/total buddy comedy.
Man, the things they'd get into... Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue with those two in a desert death camp?! Needless to say, there'd be boobs. African queen played by Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman can be the warlord.

Friday, August 13, 2010


I've been thinking pretty seriously of getting a Russian wife, but I think I'll wait for a 2 for 1 deal.

More GREAT Movie Ideas

From Ben Smith:
Genocycle: Luke Wilson plays drifter-cum-brilliant warcrimes jurist in a pan-Saharan race to collect usb thumbdrives, each containing evidence to build his brilliant case. Owen Wilson stars as Twitter Celeb "@DustySparks". Gene Hackman reprises his role as brutal dictator "Cap-ee-tan Capatopos".

iCandy: Wealthy internet technologist Turk Igonicus (played by Owen Wilson) invents the first web-based taste-o-vision. His twisted pervert brother Gerand (played by Luke Wilson) trys to sell it as a smutty sex-toy. Gene Hackman stars as a loose-cannon patent officer Penn Dakari. Rated a hard PG-13.

After The Bombs: Luke Wilson plays a by-the-book field medic in the war-ravaged town of Dresden. Owen is his incompetent male nurse. They both fall in love with the same victim, Kate Hudson. Historical buddy comedy/coming of age film.

So much talent wasted with these movies not being made. Mine, Ben's, and Luke and Owen Wilsons's.

A Few Words About the Internet

Somehow these ended up on google "buzz", my blog reports. It was not my intention. Is it so hard to believe I'm that stupid?

There's a video thing I could be using on this blog but I haven't figured it out. And boy would I like to. Oh, the videos you would see - a monkey pooping, a duck biting a baby, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a soup can, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a soccer ball, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a hockey puck who's not on the ice, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a fist during a boxing match, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a microwave his son drops, a guy getting hit in the nuts with a Bible - hard, a guy whose kid jumps on his nuts, a guy who steps on a rake, racking his nuts. More too.

And google buzz, what a confusing thing - not in how to use it, but why it's even there. They offered me a thing and I took it, and now look what happened. It's like when Adam took the apple from Eve but this is real. Not a fake made-up story only idiots believe.

It's like when Adam took the apple from Eve because it signals a great fall from grace. Now me and google buzz will forever be at odds. Just like man and God.

I really screwed up, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry, ok? If you're judging me right now, stop. I can feel you judging me. Maybe that's my own self judgement.

No, I think everything I do is great.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

History's Forgotten Mob

The townspeople came armed with torches and farming implements - pitchforks, shovels, a bunch of seeds, a farmer's love for his horse... The night was black and brisk but their passion burned, warming them, and illuminating their path like a torch. Also, they carried torches.

"Let's kill 'im!" one said. He was the leader, Jed Mobby.

"Yeahhhh!" they all agreed.

"Yeah!" some guy said, after everyone else had already said yeah. He had been chewing a bunch of jerky he made for the trip, so his mouth was full when everybody else said yeah, but then he finished, and then he said yeah.

Old Mr. Moneyhorder was in for a rude awakening. And I don't mean figuratively - like sometimes an alarming realization is called a rude awakening - this is not one of those. It was the middle of the night and he was literally about to be woken up, from sleeping, in a very impolite way, a rude way. So that's why I said he's in for a rude awakening.

"Get out here, Moneyhorder!" Jed screamed. He was pounding on the door, screaming himself horse, scratching his ass. He'd scratch when his hand got tired from pounding. It made it seem like he wasn't a wuss with a weak hand that couldn't handle pounding on things. "They'll think I'm just itchy," he thought. "Just itchy on my ass."

Mr. Moneyhorder woke up, terrified. He'd been having a great dream. It was about hoarding money. Quiveringly, he quivered under his covers.

"We know you're in there!" said Jed.

"Yeah!" Everybody agreed. "...Yeah!" somebody said a few seconds later, mouth full.

"And we're not leaving until we put your head on a stick!" Jed continued. Whoah, that's scary, right? Uproarious applause, even from the jerky guy. He was prepared this time.

It was a good old-fashioned unruly mob.

"Oh," Mr. Moneyhorder said as he quivered under his covers. "Good thing you said that," he thought sarcastically, "That saved you."

"You got till the count of three till we kick down this door!" Jed said. "1, 2..."

"Don't!" Mr. Moneyhorder interrupted. "Great, now they know you're in here," he thought. He didn't really think it was great. He was being sarcastic. "Oh, they probably knew that all along," he thought, admonishing himself.

The mob, for their part, were stunned. They hadn't actually planned on any communication.

"Why not?" Jed asked.

"Yeah?" echoed the jerky guy, way too late, with stuff in his mouth.

"Uh, because. ... I'm sorry."

A hush fell over the crowd. This had become a pensive mob, ruly even. They all murmered with different expressions of "Oh, I didn't think of that," or "Wow, maybe we're the bad guys here."

"Are you really sorry or are you just saying that?" Jed asked, admonishing him.

"I really am! Besides, if I wasn't, you wouldn't be able to tell the difference," Mr. Moneyhorder said. "I shouldn't've said that last part," he thought.

"That's true," the crowd murmered, along with, "Oh, well that's good," or, "Well that changes things," in response to him being sorry.

"You took all our money, and then you hoarded it!" accused Jed.

"I said I'm sorry."

"Oh, I forgot that," Jed said.

The crowd shook their heads at Jed, not in an angry way, just in a way that says, "That's old Jed." You know, kind of chummy. Some of them smiled.

"Let's be reasonable," pleaded Mr. Moneyhorder.

"That sounds good," said Jed. Everyone likes to be reasonable. The mob had become reasonable.

Mr. Moneyhorder had swindled all the farmers off the land their fathers and grandfathers had rightfully stolen from the Indians, and now, through a banking scheme, all their money. They had lived on that land for generations, killing Indians. Sometimes they'd rape some just because they could. Every once in a while they'd call a truce and then break it, just because they were cruel and they liked to see the look on the Indians' face. What shitty people. Still, they were smart enough to form a mob.

"Oh yeah - give us our land back!" Jed said, remembering that part.

"Eh, you made a deal."

The crowd groaned, seemingly agreeing "Yeah, we did. You got us there."

"Could we renege on that?"


The word "renege" sounds like a racial slur.


And that was the last of their exchange. The crowd darned their luck, turned around, and blew out their torches. One guy, who'd been swinging a medieval mace the whole time, stopped swinging his mace, which is hard because once those things get going, hoo boy, they've got a momentum all their own. Slowly, they all shuffled away, knowing that at the end of the day it's more important to be reasonable. Pretty honorable for a mob. Jed said sorry, but they all said it's alright because they were involved too. Don't fall on your sword. This isn't about placing blame. And luckily, they still all got to bed at a reasonable time. And that was the Great Reasonable Mob of 1827.

How do I, Ron Humanton, know about history? I read.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dick Pond/Nonsense Totebag

I saw the best totebag today. A young lady was wearing it in addition to another totebag that was really a purse, but it was a really big purse, big enough to be called a totebag. The cool one said:



Where the shoe is always at a discount. (their emphasis not mine)

Where to start?! Have you ever seen a more incongruous mish-mash of phrases? (if so, please let me know. In totebag form.)

Let's start with word one - Reduce, written on her second tote bag. This tote bag gave her the ability to carry two totebags full of crap. Two! The only thing she's reducing is the amount of totebags she does not have.

Skipping ahead, past the other "eco" words, I'm gonna jump right to Dick Pond, because it's the best part. I thought this was a great gay vacation spot in Montana, and I was right. It's a pond in the shape of a dick in Montana. Montana - gay country.

It's also an athletics corporation/catalogue. The point is, Dick Pond. Clearly, Taint Lake was taken. Also a hot vacation spot.

My point is, Dick Pond. It's a real thing, and it's Dick Pond, and it's on a totebag. Dick Pond.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Everybody Kill Everybody

One of the few earthling humans I like has suffered. He was kicked in the head a bunch of times by strangers, other humans, just like me! What is it with you humans and kicking other people in the head? Kick your own heads!

They didn't even plan to eat him!

Anyway, my solution, though it may be clouded by anger, is called Everybody Kill Everybody. I don't think it's clouded by anger. If anything, it's clouded by science and rationality.

If everybody had killed everybody a long time ago we wouldn't have this problem. Or most other ones.

The more I think about, the more I realize you guys have a really hard time killing each other without damaging a whole lot of other stuff too. So fine, I'll to it. Just kick yourselves in the head for a while, I'll be there to finish you off soon.

I'm trying to think of a way to kill all humans by sticking plungers to their faces. Wouldn't that be funny?

Friday, July 30, 2010

More Hollywood Gold

I've been pitching these as texts, at random, to people who were foolish enough to give me their phone numbers. Somebody's gotta be in Hollywood.

Rose Men: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy about two landscapers who vie for Kate Hudson's love. She employs them. Somebody falls in poop.

I Rub You 2: Owen Wilson is an Arabian Genie Luke Wilson finds. He wishes for Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman plays Jafar in this coming of age buddy film.

Shoestore Cowboys: Luke and Owen Wilson, ranchers, inherit a high end shoe store from their dying uncle Gene Hackman. Coming of age buddy comedy.

In Traction: Luke and Owen Wilson play wisecracking young doctors. Gene Hackman plays evil patient. Zach Braff costars. Coming of age comedy.

Wedding Wing: Luke Wilson marries a falcon. Owen Wilson is its stern trainer. It's a coming of age buddy comedy.

God is My Co-Pirate: Luke Wilson's plane is hijacked by Muslim terrorist Owen Wilson. They were college roommates, so it's a buddy comedy.

Great Balls of Fire: Luke and Owen Wilson play young balls of fire. They have to defeat Gene Hackman, water. Coming of age film/buddy comedy.

Twilight - Wilson Moon: Werewolves Luke and Owen Wilson vie for Bella's love in this buddy comedy by Wes Craven. Gene Hackman plays Edward.

Tragedy at AIDS Lake: Luke and Owen Wilson star in this buddy comedy about falling in water with your clothes on. Gene Hackman keeps pushing them.

Also, from my human associate (barely human - seems more like a asteroid snake in disguise. *Remember to check into that later*), Jeff Robtoy:

College Dayz: Luke and Owen Wilson make big cash as local cover band 'Sublime' in a college town. Gene Hackman as the evil FCC CEO who tries to ruin the fun!

The Royal Tennenbaums: Luke and Owen Wilson are pretentious actors who join a neo-nazi movement to score tail. Gene Hackman as Mr. Tennenbaum. Danny Glover hates cabs.

Money please!

Monday, July 26, 2010


I saw Twilight the other day. It gets a bad rep, but I like it. I certainly see its appeal. It's rooted in time-honored lessons for human females, such as these:

If a man says he could kill you, he's the one.

If it seems like someone is never gonna love you, they will. Keep trying.

Some vampires are bad.

Sex = DANGER, not fun, so feel bad about wanting it.

Women cause sex.

If there are trees around, look closely, because there are often people hiding behind them waiting to have a conversation.

No one understands you.

The violent guy understands you.

It's cool when a guy sneaks into your room and spies on you sleeping.

Teenage emotion powers crystal-clear decision-making.

Give mysterious strangers a really, really good chance.

Sex with an icy weiner? Yes, you do want it.

If one guy wants to hurt you, find a more violent guy.

You can play baseball in the rain.

Jeep - the outdoorsman's vehicle.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Movie Ideas

My brain comes with trillions of great movie ideas a day. These are just from this morning. I kept note.

Chow Down: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson where they have to eat or be eaten by ruthless, bored aliens. Coming of age film.

Hocus Focus: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. One's a photographer, one's a magician, both fighting for the same girl. Coming of age film.

Battleship Boys: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy as two ex-Navy guys who try running a shrimp boat off the Louisiana coast (possible satire???). Evil ex-drill sergeant played by Gene Hackman. Coming of age film.

Doctor Oh No: A quack doctor accidentally sews Luke and Owen Wilson together. Buddy comedy, sort of a coming of age film. Costars Kate Hudson.

I'm In Rub: Luke Wilson, masseuse, falls in love with one of his clients, Kate Hudson. Owen Wilson plays his brother. Coming of age film, buddy comedy.

Getting Dressed: Luke Wilson has to enter the Miss America Pageant so Owen Wilson can meet the girl of his dreams, Kate Hudson. Buddy comedy/coming of age. Gene Hackman is overbearing beauty coach.

Abe Lincoln - Attorney at Law: Luke Wilson stars as Abe Lincoln in a coming of age film about Lincoln's early days as a hotshot homosexual lawyer. Owen Wilson plays brother - buddy comedy. Kate Hudson costars as Martha, or whatever his wife's name was. (work in sex scene)

Michael Phelps - An American Hero: College buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson plays their mom. Gene Hackman plays overbearing swimming coach.(work in anti-drug message)

Out to Pasture: Luke and Owen Wilson, city slickers, inherit a ranch from their uncle, Gene Hackman, and mom, Kate Hudson. Fish out of water/buddy comedy/coming of age film. They fall into a lake once.

Gift of the Magi: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson as two of the three wise men. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson costars as the Virgin Mary (sexier though). Christmas movie. Gene Hackman's Satan.

Here are two others I got.

From Jeff Robtoy:
Oh, Mohammad!: Jessica Alba stars as a Muslim with very traditional values until she visits New York and falls in love with a priest (Luke Wilson). East meets West with a twist! Will he leave the priesthood? Will she remove her burkha? Is love stronger than God? Rated X.

From Chris Meister:
Puppy Love: Rob Schneider falls in love with a golden retriever. Eugene Levy and The Rock costar.

I'll take some money now.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


"CRAAAAAAAAAAAP!" I thought as I fell from the ladder. "Whew," I thought. No one was hurt.
"You OK?" someone thought as they rushed to me with a concerned face.
"Fine," I groaned. "Groan," I thought. "Ladder!"

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Solar Power

The quest for total power - solar power. I've been searching for it for eons. Now, it is within my reach. Soon, I will become The Sun. Who is more powerful than the President? Me, The Sun. Who commands greater force than the military? Well, if it's a little country like Belgium, then most other militaries, but also me, The Sun. Who's the coolest cat playing the hottest jazz? Probably Ornette Coleman. But who has total power in this solar system? Me, The Sun.

Solar power, the power that can shun Pluto to the galaxy's nether-regions like a shamed Amish schoolgirl. "I did nothing wrong," she says.
"Quiet, Pluto. You have been shunned. That means we don't talk to you."
"But, sirs."
"Away!" I say with tears in my Amish beard. Sure, I will miss Pluto. She was my daughter. But rules are rules, and we need those in society - solar society. Those Amish got something right. Also farming, and whoopee pies.

The power that broke up the asteroid belt. Once those asteroids tried to get together and form a union. Now, I'm all for workers' rights, but the asteroids already have it really good. They just float there. And if they grouped together it wouldn't really be an asteroid belt so much as an asteroid flock, and that would make our solar system a laughingstock to the other solar systems, so The Sun broke that up.

What Earth leader can claim that? The Sun, that's who, because it is the leader of the earth. It tells the plants which way to lean towards if they're in a window. It tells white skin what color to turn (red, or sometimes freckly). It powers those new, expensive sun-powered ovens that don't work super-well. I mean, they can cook a pot of rice, but it takes an hour! You call that progress?!!

Yes, The Sun is powerful.

How do I plan to become The Sun? I'm just gonna ask for it to be my next assignment, after being human. Duh.

I bet this all sounds crazy to you. All I ask is for ultimate power. Just super-ultimate-mega power. Power so powerful it makes all other power seem as powerless as a low-power lawnmower that has no power because it's not plugged in. And it's not a gas one, it's a plug-in one, so it's supposed to be plugged in. That kind of power.

So maybe I'm power-crazy, but is that really crazy? No, because it has a qualifier - "power-".

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Independence Day

Today ruled! I shot off so many fireworks! See you in court, everybody.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Really, when you think "my life is pointless," you're probably right.

Monday, June 21, 2010


It's raining outside, and when I pee, I can't help but think in my funny voice, "It's raining inside. Hee hee hee hee hee."

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Car Horns

Here's the thing about car horns: they're always being honked by idiots. If I had a car, I'd take the horn out. And replace it with a gun.

Is anybody gonna move because you make a "honk" noise at them? Hell no. Try it next time you're in line at the grocery store. Say "honk honk" a bunch of times. Not only will the line not move, people will look at you like you're an idiot, proving my point that car horns are only honked by idiots.

Will they move if you shake a gun at them? Hell yes! Try that next time you're in a grocery store. It works. Not only will they move, they will duck like their life depends on it. Not only will you get your groceries for free, sometimes they give you money from the register. For free! They practically throw it at you - nay - do throw it at you. Also one guy cried.

Also, waving a gun is quiet. And, except when people get shot accidentally - which is often - harmless. I can't sleep with this army of car horns going off outside my house. I know I'd sleep a lot better if it were an army of people waving guns outside my house.

Friday, June 11, 2010


If there's one thing humans have right, it's honking their car horns. Nothing else in the universe has found a better way to annoy someone. Good work. Nailed it. It's annoying as hell.

Especially when someone is TRYING TO SLEEP!!! LIKE ME!!! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW!!! I get it! You want to annoy someone! Focus it on the person you're trying to annoy! Not me! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

Also, motorcycles are annoying and too loud. Not to change the subject, but they can be really loud when they drive by and I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP!!!

Also, I'm having trouble sleeping. I hope that's obvious. It mostly has to do with people HONKING THEIR FUCKING CAR HORNS WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

Why did humans make workdays that don't fit their bodies? By the time I get up for work in the afternoon I'm almost always late. The times when I'm not late, I'm not going. And even late, I'm not well rested, and that's usually because THERE ARE FUCKING HORNS GOING OFF BY ME! CAR HORNS!!! ALL TIMES OF NIGHT! STEREOS TOO! AND MOTORCYCLES! AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT IT'S QUIET AT NIGHT TIME BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I don't see the real difference between defensive violence and offensive violence. If I beat somebody up, it's called offense. If somebody gets beat up by me, it's defense. Same thing.


Remember, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it seems like the odds are stacked against you and life's gonna keep you down, you can always be more resentful. No one can take that away from you. If they did, you'd better believe you'd resent it. So in fact, it helps.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


There's a surprising lack of bloodsports left on this planet. Real shame.
I mean, there's dog fighting, but that's for cowards. And dogs.
If humans are going to be brutal to each other, might as well do it face to face. That's my philosophy.
Now, I don't want to see anyone get hurt. Wait, yes I do. That's why I want bloodsports.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Name Practice

I'd say 50% of the conversations I have are what I'd call "name practice". "Name practice" sounds like this:
"Hey... Ron. How are you?"
"I'm great! How are you? ... Hello?"
By then the person has already walked away proudly, having successfully remembered my name.

Make that 90%. Also, "name practice" doesn't need to be in quotations anymore. I'm "sorry".

I remember the first time I tried to honestly respond to name practice.
"Hello, Ron?" said Ace, this guy I hate.
"Hey Ace. Listen I need to talk to someone about - "
I'd been cut off. Ace was pumping his fist like he'd just hit a jackpot. I really needed to talk to someone about malaria. It turns out I had it.

It happens in stores and retail areas a lot if you go in there enough. I've learned to trim the fat. The first time I went in it was a friendly, "Hey Ron, how are you today?"
"Well, that's complicated," I replied.
"Uh huh," said the clerk, sweat running down his face.
"Because it's a relative question, not only to me as an individual, but to all of human and non-human life that we're aware of."
The guy just flipped out. He ran out the door, realized it was not a door to outside but to a refrigerator, exited the refrigerator, and punched it. No one likes to be caught in a conversation when they just meant to play name practice. Everybody hates it. Especially that refrigerator.

I learned that day to never play a game of name practice for longer than the practicer intended. It just turns violent, at best. At worst it's been the cause of some of history's worst atrocities.
"Hello, Elijah."
"Hey Adolf Hitler, good to see you. Hey, since you remembered my name, we must be good friends. Let me tell you about my back problems..."
You know how it went from there. Poland invaded Germany, thus starting the great Polish-German War of the 1930s. I'm sure there's a similar story for WWII.

One time I played back. Well, it was more than one time. The first few times were failures.
"Hey Eric? Don? Ron? Glenda? Elijah? Hitler? Scruffy? Lassie? Bow-wow? Moon?..." Clearly I was lost. The second I nailed it.
"Hey Dennis," I said. His name was Buddy, he told me, but I refused to admit it. I don't see the difference between refusing to acknowledge my mistakes and winning. So that one was technically a win in my eyes, but if you want to be a real Nazi about, the third time was when I actually nailed it.
"Hey Charlotte." Charlotte, what an exotic name. Like some kind of spider, or city. I really knocked it out of the park on that one. That would be the last time.

I only played back once because I realized that after knowing each others' names, we did not want to know each other anymore. That was enough for us. It made us realize how ugly each of us are inside, which is great, because we could both agree to stay the hell away from each other. It's nice to come to agreements.

Monday, June 7, 2010


I am annoyed. Today I heard an earthling (human, of course) say, "Can you believe it? All the dinosaurs were taken out by just one meteor."

Excuse me? Have you ever met a meteor? Sure, they may not have the "intelligence" you so prize, but were they smarter than the dinosaurs? They killed them all, didn't they?! I think if the shoe was on the other foot, it'd sound like this:
"Did you know that one dinosaur killed all the meteors?"
"Wow. Smart dinosaur."

Humans don't get intelligence. Could a meteor pass an IQ test? Probably not. Could it slam into the IQ test building and annihilate it? Absolutely! Meteors may not have formed a UN and signed international peace treaties and made all these so-called achievements of civilization, but let me ask you this - could they smash into the UN and blow it up real good? You bet!

But meteors/asteroids aren't like that. They're peaceful. They've been peacefully floating about their business for 65 million years. Humans could learn a lot from them. They could say, "If meteors can do it, so can we. Let's let our guard down." That's when the meteors would sweep in and really annihilate everything.

Some Thoughts on Ohio

Obviously, when you first think of Ohio, you think, "Three 'major' cities? Don't you think that's a little greedy?" Yes, it is. And you think "major" in quotation marks because they're not really that big a deal. It's like calling a dump a really big trash can. I mean, it is but who cares?

Cleveland, Columbus, Cinnicinati. All pointless. Then you've got Columbus, Akron... This list goes on. How come we know so many city names from such a crummy state? I've never been to most of them, but I know they're in the popular vernacular. Ohio talks a lot about its self, that's probably why it's so well known. Come on, Ohio, how about a little modesty?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bull Riding

Bull riding is stupid. Least effecient form of transportation.

Flip Flops

Flip flops are like convertibles for your big toe, and all the other toes are its beach babes.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Calling Off Work

I don't get it. Why would humans ever go to work when they can just call off? It's so easy! You just call in and say, "Hey this is Ron Humanton, and I am not feeling well enough to do your menial, boring tasks today." Simple! I can't believe humans don't do this all the time. Idiots.

I think I'll be calling off for quite some time. I don't need to go to work as long as I keep getting my paychecks.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Human Brain Coping Mechanisms

So with getting beat up, I thought I was going through the 7 stages of grief, which I thought went something like this:

1. Anger
2. Bargaining
3. Depression
4. Happiness
5. Being really happy
6. Being happier than you were before
7. Profound epiphany, leading to profound happiness

Boy was I wrong. First of all, they're totally different. It's denial, pain, anger & bargaining, depression, upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. This according to I would've liked to see a lot more upward turns. At least 6 more.

But I don't think I'm going through those either. I can't believe these humans don't have a template! There's got to be a norm! There's no way human experiences are so diverse that they haven't figured out exactly what to do about each one. They probably gave up after the first failed attempt. "Oops, I messed up dealing with death. Let's just assume we don't know how to deal with anything ever again." Idiots. My actual guess is that they were too stupid to figure it out in the first place. It's probably that.

For creatures with such strong emotions, they sure don't know what to do with them. They just turn them into more emotion. The Blip Gorps of planet Aurchirchuz would've constructed a mighty crystal fortress out of them by now. That's like turning thought into more thought. Where's the action? It all gets bottled up inside your head and then spews out as one horrible brain vomit. Here they call them books on philosophy. Did I mention they still have philosophy here?!! When will they ever learn?!

If my worst fears are correct, as they tend to be, what humans do is just stumble around until they die. Maybe that is the template. Maybe they've all decided that's best for them. I don't know. Maybe I should ask one.

Coming to This Planet Was a Horrible Mistake

It's been quite a week on earth. A few earthlings had the audacity to beat me up. Boy, were they good at it. If there's one thing earth humans know, it's how to commit violence. Humans are the worst for that. Ox may be dumb, but humans are stupid. (My mission to study Oxen is going poorly, by the way. An urban setting turns out to be a horrible place to find one.)

My mission to study oxen? We figured, "They are clearly the sturdiest animal. They must rule the planet." Think again, fellow Outer Spacemen. I haven't found one galatic representative body of oxen yet. Not one! I found a few of ducks, many of geese (all quarrelling, of course), and one really good one of lava rocks, but no oxen. Apparently there are a lot of oxen-like creatures in Illinois called cows. Maybe they're friends.

Let me stress one thing - they were incredibly good at it. I'm beginning to think these humans hurt each other all the time. I saw some pigeons get into it over a pile of Fritos, but there was a pretty clear territorial dispute and you knew who was in the wrong. Not like humans. They don't know what they want. I think they've gotten so disoriented by their engorged overpopulation it's all become to confusing. Just eat, mate, and be nice to each other, people! It's that easy. Next to ants, they seem to be running the show, which is unfortunate, because they keep paving more things, making it harder for ants to run the show. Eventually those ants are going to have to show them who's boss.

I have a lot to learn, but I know humans stink. That's earth lesson #1. The only thing they do is make a mess of things. My vote is that we exterminate them so that the oxen can take their rightful place. I've noticed elephants are very sturdy too. The boulders are great, but boy are they dumb. I had the hardest time getting one to use a CTA pass the other day. Eventually he just gave up and so did I. I expect he's still at the station, sitting zen-like, as a boulder does. So stupid.

Still asexual. Hopefully that'll change. Perhaps my sexpack hasn't blerged in yet. Hopefully it will soon, otherwise the female humans I want to have sex with won't want to have sex back with me. That would be a nightmare. That's the sort of thing that could make a human get violent. All their sexual relations are a horrible, ill-defined messes. Not like Oxen, I bet. I bet those oxen sure are great.

Horrible, horrible mistake.