Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I object to the term "Redneck". It's a word with many origins, not all of which are negative. In fact, a lot of people proudly display the word on the back of their trucks, saying to the world, "That's right - I'm a redneck and proud." That's why I prefer to call those people white trash. It hurts more. You can't call them a redneck if they're proud of it. It's the same reason you can't call them ignorant, racist, backwards, stupid or fat. They're just too damn proud of it.

Historically, the word "redneck" has been used pejoratively to describe ignorant, backwards white people. At least by me. And when I say "historically", I mean "in the history of my using the the word, which is long and illustrious". Usually people only use it to describe poor people, which I think is wrong and do not do. But my objection is with how little it now hurts. I'd like to really hurt these people - hurt them in a way that having their economy crippled and making them poor cannot. I mean break their spirits.

I dream of a future when some white trash person who used to be upper-middle class is now dirt poor, looking for scapegoats, and, finding none, is simply too apathetic and broken to hate effectively. A lot of them are there already, but there are too many rich white trashes funding the poor ones' misunderstandings and brutal hate. So let's get the rich ones.

Here's what my dream would sound like:
"D'joo f'nish off all the chee-ups?" (Did you finish all the chips?
"Naw." (No.)
"Gawdam..." (God-damned, then ineffective search for a scapegoat.)

My hope is not that the easy-to-identify "other" will no longer be there, but that hating them will be too pointless to even try. How calling people white trash helps that, I don't know. But I'm willing to try for as long as it takes.

Monday, October 11, 2010

The Perfect Physique

Sometimes I think I have too many muscles. Then I remember, no I don't.

I'm basically a big pile of flesh-colored circles. "Lumbering" would be a good way to describe the way I walk. My vein is the size of your bicep.

There's lots of good things about having big muscles. First of all, your muscles are huge.

Secondly, well, look at you. Check out those muscles. Nice!

But the most important thing is that your muscles are really big, and isn't that great? There's nothing better than having big muscles. They're better than having a great lawn that you can mow all the time, because if you're mowing it without a shirt on, you want to have a lot of muscles.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Forced Pregnancy People

Some people in Missouri, humans, want to stop a bill that will keep puppies and mothers from being starved, dehydrated, forcibly impregnated, crammed in boxes, and otherwise tortured. Here's why I think why:

Humans have a poor understanding of other animals, so the people who are against this probably really like being starved and forcibly impregnated and think other animals do too. Not true. Most animals really hate it.

I heard about this and wanted clarification so I asked the guy I was sitting next to on the bus.
"Do you like being starved?" I asked.
"... No."
"What about dehydrated, forcibly?"
He shook his head.
"Ok. What about forcibly impregnated?"
Get this - he looked at me like I'm crazy! But people like this! They must, otherwise they'd never advocate doing it to another animal.
"Crammed in a box?"
No response.
"What if I just out-and-out tortured you?"
He got another seat.

So, I don't know - some people like being forcibly impregnated, some people like finding other seats. There's a whole lot of mystery out there.

Friday, October 1, 2010



And I'm taking your jobs, Earth detectives. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!

Life After People

I've been watching the Life After People TV series. I think the ominous tone is pretty arrogant. If I was in charge, I'd be like, "50 years after people... dadaladadadadadaadeedledaaa! Ole!..." Mariachi music!

If a mouse made that TV show it'd be like "Episode 1: Finally, No More Traps". Also, the world would be rocked by the first TV show by a mouse, not only because he or she had the interest, but because it managed to play the social games necessary to run a TV show.

Can you imagine a mouse telling a gaffer what to do? That gaffer would be pissed. He's 10 years out of film school, got a great idea for a feature film all fleshed out at home, tons of talent, and here he is, taking orders from some newbie mouse. Typical.

There's no way that mouse could've paid his dues! He doesn't have the lifespan! Or she.

Personally, as someone who plans to eradicate all human life, the most disturbing thing I find in it is how much will be left behind to clean up. Not that I will. What am I, your maid? I'm not doing maid's work. A maid can do that.

I think the idea of a Rapture is pretty cool. That's why I'm a Baptist now. I've only just started, but I want to really start pushing that idea into action. Right now they seem like all talk. Let's really lobby God and get you people out of here. More Rapture NOW!

If I seem down on people, just remember, I hate you all and hope that some day nothing remains but your dead bodies to fertilize the soil. So it's not all negative. I think you're good for nutrients, kind of. Not as good as bat poop.