Thursday, December 9, 2010

10 Reasons to Bow to Rats

1. Have you ever survived on dumpster and gutter food? No. Bow.

2. Can you make a home inside any tree by eating a hole in it? Yes? Well, most people can't. I can't. Bow.

3. Can you survive naked in any climate? ... What? Yes? ... No you cannot. Bow.

4. How many times has your species stowed away on a pirate ship as a way of migrating between continents? ... Every time rats have? Well... They have sharp teeth. I'm talking razor sharp. They can and have cut through kevlar. That's how they got into my shed - by chewing through my kevlar lock. They stole some tools. It was either them or my neighbor with a bolt cutter. I don't know... Also they can chew through adamantium.

5. They have tails. That's a definite, and you do not. Or if you do - weird. Bow for that at least.

6. They leave cute little prints in the snow with their feet and tails. I challenge any human to have feet that small and a tail.

7. They do not watch 2 1/2 Men. A million points.

8. Rats do not start wars. In fact, if anything, they clean them up by feasting on the corpses. So that's an act of peace and tidiness.

9. They scare the hell out of mice.

10. Because I've spoken with them, and overall they're just better-mannered and more reasonable. If one knows you and it sees you, it will always say hi, or if it doesn't like you, it will say so and tell you why, and then you can come to an understanding that's honest. They don't waste space by building suburbs with split level homes.

So bow, don't poison.

Goodnight, rats.

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