Friday, July 30, 2010

More Hollywood Gold

I've been pitching these as texts, at random, to people who were foolish enough to give me their phone numbers. Somebody's gotta be in Hollywood.

Rose Men: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy about two landscapers who vie for Kate Hudson's love. She employs them. Somebody falls in poop.

I Rub You 2: Owen Wilson is an Arabian Genie Luke Wilson finds. He wishes for Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman plays Jafar in this coming of age buddy film.

Shoestore Cowboys: Luke and Owen Wilson, ranchers, inherit a high end shoe store from their dying uncle Gene Hackman. Coming of age buddy comedy.

In Traction: Luke and Owen Wilson play wisecracking young doctors. Gene Hackman plays evil patient. Zach Braff costars. Coming of age comedy.

Wedding Wing: Luke Wilson marries a falcon. Owen Wilson is its stern trainer. It's a coming of age buddy comedy.

God is My Co-Pirate: Luke Wilson's plane is hijacked by Muslim terrorist Owen Wilson. They were college roommates, so it's a buddy comedy.

Great Balls of Fire: Luke and Owen Wilson play young balls of fire. They have to defeat Gene Hackman, water. Coming of age film/buddy comedy.

Twilight - Wilson Moon: Werewolves Luke and Owen Wilson vie for Bella's love in this buddy comedy by Wes Craven. Gene Hackman plays Edward.

Tragedy at AIDS Lake: Luke and Owen Wilson star in this buddy comedy about falling in water with your clothes on. Gene Hackman keeps pushing them.

Also, from my human associate (barely human - seems more like a asteroid snake in disguise. *Remember to check into that later*), Jeff Robtoy:

College Dayz: Luke and Owen Wilson make big cash as local cover band 'Sublime' in a college town. Gene Hackman as the evil FCC CEO who tries to ruin the fun!

The Royal Tennenbaums: Luke and Owen Wilson are pretentious actors who join a neo-nazi movement to score tail. Gene Hackman as Mr. Tennenbaum. Danny Glover hates cabs.

Money please!

Monday, July 26, 2010


I saw Twilight the other day. It gets a bad rep, but I like it. I certainly see its appeal. It's rooted in time-honored lessons for human females, such as these:

If a man says he could kill you, he's the one.

If it seems like someone is never gonna love you, they will. Keep trying.

Some vampires are bad.

Sex = DANGER, not fun, so feel bad about wanting it.

Women cause sex.

If there are trees around, look closely, because there are often people hiding behind them waiting to have a conversation.

No one understands you.

The violent guy understands you.

It's cool when a guy sneaks into your room and spies on you sleeping.

Teenage emotion powers crystal-clear decision-making.

Give mysterious strangers a really, really good chance.

Sex with an icy weiner? Yes, you do want it.

If one guy wants to hurt you, find a more violent guy.

You can play baseball in the rain.

Jeep - the outdoorsman's vehicle.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Movie Ideas

My brain comes with trillions of great movie ideas a day. These are just from this morning. I kept note.

Chow Down: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson where they have to eat or be eaten by ruthless, bored aliens. Coming of age film.

Hocus Focus: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. One's a photographer, one's a magician, both fighting for the same girl. Coming of age film.

Battleship Boys: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy as two ex-Navy guys who try running a shrimp boat off the Louisiana coast (possible satire???). Evil ex-drill sergeant played by Gene Hackman. Coming of age film.

Doctor Oh No: A quack doctor accidentally sews Luke and Owen Wilson together. Buddy comedy, sort of a coming of age film. Costars Kate Hudson.

I'm In Rub: Luke Wilson, masseuse, falls in love with one of his clients, Kate Hudson. Owen Wilson plays his brother. Coming of age film, buddy comedy.

Getting Dressed: Luke Wilson has to enter the Miss America Pageant so Owen Wilson can meet the girl of his dreams, Kate Hudson. Buddy comedy/coming of age. Gene Hackman is overbearing beauty coach.

Abe Lincoln - Attorney at Law: Luke Wilson stars as Abe Lincoln in a coming of age film about Lincoln's early days as a hotshot homosexual lawyer. Owen Wilson plays brother - buddy comedy. Kate Hudson costars as Martha, or whatever his wife's name was. (work in sex scene)

Michael Phelps - An American Hero: College buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson plays their mom. Gene Hackman plays overbearing swimming coach.(work in anti-drug message)

Out to Pasture: Luke and Owen Wilson, city slickers, inherit a ranch from their uncle, Gene Hackman, and mom, Kate Hudson. Fish out of water/buddy comedy/coming of age film. They fall into a lake once.

Gift of the Magi: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson as two of the three wise men. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson costars as the Virgin Mary (sexier though). Christmas movie. Gene Hackman's Satan.

Here are two others I got.

From Jeff Robtoy:
Oh, Mohammad!: Jessica Alba stars as a Muslim with very traditional values until she visits New York and falls in love with a priest (Luke Wilson). East meets West with a twist! Will he leave the priesthood? Will she remove her burkha? Is love stronger than God? Rated X.

From Chris Meister:
Puppy Love: Rob Schneider falls in love with a golden retriever. Eugene Levy and The Rock costar.

I'll take some money now.

Thursday, July 15, 2010


"CRAAAAAAAAAAAP!" I thought as I fell from the ladder. "Whew," I thought. No one was hurt.
"You OK?" someone thought as they rushed to me with a concerned face.
"Fine," I groaned. "Groan," I thought. "Ladder!"

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Solar Power

The quest for total power - solar power. I've been searching for it for eons. Now, it is within my reach. Soon, I will become The Sun. Who is more powerful than the President? Me, The Sun. Who commands greater force than the military? Well, if it's a little country like Belgium, then most other militaries, but also me, The Sun. Who's the coolest cat playing the hottest jazz? Probably Ornette Coleman. But who has total power in this solar system? Me, The Sun.

Solar power, the power that can shun Pluto to the galaxy's nether-regions like a shamed Amish schoolgirl. "I did nothing wrong," she says.
"Quiet, Pluto. You have been shunned. That means we don't talk to you."
"But, sirs."
"Away!" I say with tears in my Amish beard. Sure, I will miss Pluto. She was my daughter. But rules are rules, and we need those in society - solar society. Those Amish got something right. Also farming, and whoopee pies.

The power that broke up the asteroid belt. Once those asteroids tried to get together and form a union. Now, I'm all for workers' rights, but the asteroids already have it really good. They just float there. And if they grouped together it wouldn't really be an asteroid belt so much as an asteroid flock, and that would make our solar system a laughingstock to the other solar systems, so The Sun broke that up.

What Earth leader can claim that? The Sun, that's who, because it is the leader of the earth. It tells the plants which way to lean towards if they're in a window. It tells white skin what color to turn (red, or sometimes freckly). It powers those new, expensive sun-powered ovens that don't work super-well. I mean, they can cook a pot of rice, but it takes an hour! You call that progress?!!

Yes, The Sun is powerful.

How do I plan to become The Sun? I'm just gonna ask for it to be my next assignment, after being human. Duh.

I bet this all sounds crazy to you. All I ask is for ultimate power. Just super-ultimate-mega power. Power so powerful it makes all other power seem as powerless as a low-power lawnmower that has no power because it's not plugged in. And it's not a gas one, it's a plug-in one, so it's supposed to be plugged in. That kind of power.

So maybe I'm power-crazy, but is that really crazy? No, because it has a qualifier - "power-".

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Independence Day

Today ruled! I shot off so many fireworks! See you in court, everybody.

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Really, when you think "my life is pointless," you're probably right.