Saturday, July 30, 2011

New Flame

There's this lady in my building who I can't get to say hi to me. Her name's Dora Fleckinger. It's not my wife, Chevrolet. She and I are solid as a rock, but a little harmless flirting never hurt.

I like to be friendly. I do all the normal things people do to greet each other. I leave hand-written notes in her mailbox telling her I can hear when she comes home at night. I wait for her on the front porch and glare intensely, trying force eye contact, barking, "Dora! I know you see me and I know your name!" I break into her house. The normal things. She just won't go for it.

It hurts to be rejected. Am I so bad? Is it my fault her husband left? I chased him away threatening to kill him if he ever came back, but he's the one who never came back. So I think we should share the blame, because I'd like to avoid responsibility on this this one.

Why did I chase him away? I'm pretty sure he was keeping bees in their house. I saw a bee once. It was probably his fault.

Listen, I don't like the guy.

So now she won't say hi. Won't even drop the restraining order. Hell, she won't even not mace me. Jokes on her - I got some nearly air-tight ski goggles that I wear all the time now. It only makes my glaring worse on her end. Plus, now I'm more ready than ever to ski.

But I think I'm slowly winner her over. She's dropped from two lawyers to one to prosecute me. I think it was a switch from quantity to quality, because this guy is really good. Like, when I called his office to threaten him he had me in jail in no time. But, overall, it turns out to be a good thing. We get a lot of good face time in court when she answers the question, "And is this man in this courtroom," and she answers, pointing to me, "Yes - he's right there." I wave and giggle like a little school girl with a crush, the bailiffs restrain me, my lawyer advises me to just shut up for once. It's a thing we do. It's our thing, me and Dora.

Maybe that's my problem. I'm too shy.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Sleep Tips

A few tricks I've learned to combat insomnia:

1. Drugs. Drugs are your friend. If a stranger offered me some, I would take them. I don't care what parents say. If you want to sleep and there are drugs around, chances are they will help. The chances are about 50% - you don't know if it'll be an upper or a downer. If it's an upper, not necessarily bad. Those can be a lot of fun if you like cleaning your house like your life depended on it.

2. Breathing exercises. Try doing a sleeper hold on yourself. It stops you from breathing. You'll wake up refreshed, alert, and probably bruised because you hit your face on the night stand on the way down - the night stand, or the floor. I've done both. Also woken up in the fridge. Don't get bored and then see what there is to eat while you're putting yourself in a sleeper hold.

3. Teas. Don't drink them. You'll have to pee. Peeing is the enemy of sleep. Sleep has many enemies. Among them, peeing is number one. Others are loudness, brightness, things that bite/fear, and work. Work is the easiest one to get around.

4. Exercise. This one I don't know. Everybody keeps telling me I should exercise, but I don't know where my sleep muscles are or how to work them. Must be some place I can't see. If you wanna buy a gym membership, go ahead.It's your money. Gym memberships are for suckers. That's my point.

Take any of my tips and you'll be sleeping in no time. And you won't be wasting money on a useless gym membership. Just run and do push ups at home!

Thus concludes my first entry on workouts.