Sunday, May 30, 2010

Calling Off Work

I don't get it. Why would humans ever go to work when they can just call off? It's so easy! You just call in and say, "Hey this is Ron Humanton, and I am not feeling well enough to do your menial, boring tasks today." Simple! I can't believe humans don't do this all the time. Idiots.

I think I'll be calling off for quite some time. I don't need to go to work as long as I keep getting my paychecks.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Human Brain Coping Mechanisms

So with getting beat up, I thought I was going through the 7 stages of grief, which I thought went something like this:

1. Anger
2. Bargaining
3. Depression
4. Happiness
5. Being really happy
6. Being happier than you were before
7. Profound epiphany, leading to profound happiness

Boy was I wrong. First of all, they're totally different. It's denial, pain, anger & bargaining, depression, upward turn, reconstruction, and acceptance. This according to I would've liked to see a lot more upward turns. At least 6 more.

But I don't think I'm going through those either. I can't believe these humans don't have a template! There's got to be a norm! There's no way human experiences are so diverse that they haven't figured out exactly what to do about each one. They probably gave up after the first failed attempt. "Oops, I messed up dealing with death. Let's just assume we don't know how to deal with anything ever again." Idiots. My actual guess is that they were too stupid to figure it out in the first place. It's probably that.

For creatures with such strong emotions, they sure don't know what to do with them. They just turn them into more emotion. The Blip Gorps of planet Aurchirchuz would've constructed a mighty crystal fortress out of them by now. That's like turning thought into more thought. Where's the action? It all gets bottled up inside your head and then spews out as one horrible brain vomit. Here they call them books on philosophy. Did I mention they still have philosophy here?!! When will they ever learn?!

If my worst fears are correct, as they tend to be, what humans do is just stumble around until they die. Maybe that is the template. Maybe they've all decided that's best for them. I don't know. Maybe I should ask one.

Coming to This Planet Was a Horrible Mistake

It's been quite a week on earth. A few earthlings had the audacity to beat me up. Boy, were they good at it. If there's one thing earth humans know, it's how to commit violence. Humans are the worst for that. Ox may be dumb, but humans are stupid. (My mission to study Oxen is going poorly, by the way. An urban setting turns out to be a horrible place to find one.)

My mission to study oxen? We figured, "They are clearly the sturdiest animal. They must rule the planet." Think again, fellow Outer Spacemen. I haven't found one galatic representative body of oxen yet. Not one! I found a few of ducks, many of geese (all quarrelling, of course), and one really good one of lava rocks, but no oxen. Apparently there are a lot of oxen-like creatures in Illinois called cows. Maybe they're friends.

Let me stress one thing - they were incredibly good at it. I'm beginning to think these humans hurt each other all the time. I saw some pigeons get into it over a pile of Fritos, but there was a pretty clear territorial dispute and you knew who was in the wrong. Not like humans. They don't know what they want. I think they've gotten so disoriented by their engorged overpopulation it's all become to confusing. Just eat, mate, and be nice to each other, people! It's that easy. Next to ants, they seem to be running the show, which is unfortunate, because they keep paving more things, making it harder for ants to run the show. Eventually those ants are going to have to show them who's boss.

I have a lot to learn, but I know humans stink. That's earth lesson #1. The only thing they do is make a mess of things. My vote is that we exterminate them so that the oxen can take their rightful place. I've noticed elephants are very sturdy too. The boulders are great, but boy are they dumb. I had the hardest time getting one to use a CTA pass the other day. Eventually he just gave up and so did I. I expect he's still at the station, sitting zen-like, as a boulder does. So stupid.

Still asexual. Hopefully that'll change. Perhaps my sexpack hasn't blerged in yet. Hopefully it will soon, otherwise the female humans I want to have sex with won't want to have sex back with me. That would be a nightmare. That's the sort of thing that could make a human get violent. All their sexual relations are a horrible, ill-defined messes. Not like Oxen, I bet. I bet those oxen sure are great.

Horrible, horrible mistake.