Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Long time no talk. I've been swimming a lot in Hawaii, mostly making friends with sharks. I know you think they're mean, but once you get past their surly exterior, they're pretty fun to swim with. Plus it helps to have a big iron cage surrounding you at all times and a big harpoon just in case. Did you know sharks are ancient, ancient creatures? I didn't, until I read a book. I started off by taking a big swim down the mighty Mississippi, Old Man River himself, and spending several nights in hospitals all over this great nation. Scabies. River water is dirty. At least it is now, not like when sharks were first around. Why swim down the Mississip? Because they said it couldn't be done. And, as I alluded to with the scabies, they were right. I cannot be done. Especially not by me. Especially not after my water wings broke, which was fast. Why can't they make those things in grownup size? How many letters do I have to write? I got from the mouth of the river down to 50 feet from the mouth of the river. None of that is too deep to need to swim through, but I get scared without my water wings. So, yes, fine - it can't be done. Satisfied, Department of Public Health? But I'm getting off topic. At one of the hospitals - Saint Something-or-other, I don't remember, Saint Jesus maybe - I met the woman of my dreams. She was the nurse-in-training who rudely processed my emergency room paperwork. I fell for her at first sight, the moment she said, "Sir, you may not cut to the front of the line, no matter how much you're seizing." She was the first and last person ever to call me Sir, and not Sir Sux-a-lot, which was the name youtube gave me after one of my rap videos went viral. Several false starts and a few restraining orders later, I'd finally worn down her resolve. Her name was Mary Barry. I had a good laugh at that. Still cracks me up. It rhymes. I love rhymes. They're like little songs that can fit in a sentence, and there are so many of them - fat, cat; mouse, house; dinkle, finkle; dweedle, dee. I mean dweedle, feedle. I think there are more too. Oh yeah - Mary Bary. Those are the five rhymes. Needless to say, this led to sharks. Mary had a passion for diving, mostly because of her passion for her diving instructor, who I noticed was not me. This caused a rift in our relationship. I felt that we should love each other, she felt otherwise. I guess it was just one of those quirks of personality - you don't notice it at first, but they can end up turning a relationship sour. I should've paid more attention to it in the beginning, especially when she presented it to me in writing. I thought it was just restraining order talk. Turns out, she was mostly with me because it was easier and cost less than dealing with the courts. I guess I'm just a hopeless romantic, but I can't think of any more ideal way to start a relationship. If there's one thing that can be said about me, it's that I make relationships easy. I'll give somebody as much space as they need. I once gave a woman 3 years of space in which we didn't see each other at all. Total success. That was my longest relationship. 3 years and 1 week, with the week divided in half. So I sicked a shark on him, the diving instructor. Mary left me and had me prosecuted for manslaughter, but juries tend to be pretty anti-shark so my buddy Harry the Hammerhead ended up taking the fall. Sorry Harry. (But I think he'll do ok in jail. It's those other prisoners that need to watch out. He has far more teeth than them.) Since I feel bad, I try to make extra shark friends just to show I'm not prejudiced. I think it's wrong how many innocent sharks are in jail. So that's what I'm doing swimming with sharks in Hawaii - being polite. P.S. The book I read was called "Sharks!". It's an easy read, about 8 pages long, and is intended for preschool children. Check it out from your local library sometime.