Monday, June 21, 2010


It's raining outside, and when I pee, I can't help but think in my funny voice, "It's raining inside. Hee hee hee hee hee."

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Car Horns

Here's the thing about car horns: they're always being honked by idiots. If I had a car, I'd take the horn out. And replace it with a gun.

Is anybody gonna move because you make a "honk" noise at them? Hell no. Try it next time you're in line at the grocery store. Say "honk honk" a bunch of times. Not only will the line not move, people will look at you like you're an idiot, proving my point that car horns are only honked by idiots.

Will they move if you shake a gun at them? Hell yes! Try that next time you're in a grocery store. It works. Not only will they move, they will duck like their life depends on it. Not only will you get your groceries for free, sometimes they give you money from the register. For free! They practically throw it at you - nay - do throw it at you. Also one guy cried.

Also, waving a gun is quiet. And, except when people get shot accidentally - which is often - harmless. I can't sleep with this army of car horns going off outside my house. I know I'd sleep a lot better if it were an army of people waving guns outside my house.

Friday, June 11, 2010


If there's one thing humans have right, it's honking their car horns. Nothing else in the universe has found a better way to annoy someone. Good work. Nailed it. It's annoying as hell.

Especially when someone is TRYING TO SLEEP!!! LIKE ME!!! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP RIGHT NOW!!! I get it! You want to annoy someone! Focus it on the person you're trying to annoy! Not me! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!

Also, motorcycles are annoying and too loud. Not to change the subject, but they can be really loud when they drive by and I'M TRYING TO FUCKING SLEEP!!!

Also, I'm having trouble sleeping. I hope that's obvious. It mostly has to do with people HONKING THEIR FUCKING CAR HORNS WHILE I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

Why did humans make workdays that don't fit their bodies? By the time I get up for work in the afternoon I'm almost always late. The times when I'm not late, I'm not going. And even late, I'm not well rested, and that's usually because THERE ARE FUCKING HORNS GOING OFF BY ME! CAR HORNS!!! ALL TIMES OF NIGHT! STEREOS TOO! AND MOTORCYCLES! AND IT'S IMPORTANT THAT IT'S QUIET AT NIGHT TIME BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!!!

Thursday, June 10, 2010


I don't see the real difference between defensive violence and offensive violence. If I beat somebody up, it's called offense. If somebody gets beat up by me, it's defense. Same thing.


Remember, no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much it seems like the odds are stacked against you and life's gonna keep you down, you can always be more resentful. No one can take that away from you. If they did, you'd better believe you'd resent it. So in fact, it helps.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010


There's a surprising lack of bloodsports left on this planet. Real shame.
I mean, there's dog fighting, but that's for cowards. And dogs.
If humans are going to be brutal to each other, might as well do it face to face. That's my philosophy.
Now, I don't want to see anyone get hurt. Wait, yes I do. That's why I want bloodsports.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Name Practice

I'd say 50% of the conversations I have are what I'd call "name practice". "Name practice" sounds like this:
"Hey... Ron. How are you?"
"I'm great! How are you? ... Hello?"
By then the person has already walked away proudly, having successfully remembered my name.

Make that 90%. Also, "name practice" doesn't need to be in quotations anymore. I'm "sorry".

I remember the first time I tried to honestly respond to name practice.
"Hello, Ron?" said Ace, this guy I hate.
"Hey Ace. Listen I need to talk to someone about - "
I'd been cut off. Ace was pumping his fist like he'd just hit a jackpot. I really needed to talk to someone about malaria. It turns out I had it.

It happens in stores and retail areas a lot if you go in there enough. I've learned to trim the fat. The first time I went in it was a friendly, "Hey Ron, how are you today?"
"Well, that's complicated," I replied.
"Uh huh," said the clerk, sweat running down his face.
"Because it's a relative question, not only to me as an individual, but to all of human and non-human life that we're aware of."
The guy just flipped out. He ran out the door, realized it was not a door to outside but to a refrigerator, exited the refrigerator, and punched it. No one likes to be caught in a conversation when they just meant to play name practice. Everybody hates it. Especially that refrigerator.

I learned that day to never play a game of name practice for longer than the practicer intended. It just turns violent, at best. At worst it's been the cause of some of history's worst atrocities.
"Hello, Elijah."
"Hey Adolf Hitler, good to see you. Hey, since you remembered my name, we must be good friends. Let me tell you about my back problems..."
You know how it went from there. Poland invaded Germany, thus starting the great Polish-German War of the 1930s. I'm sure there's a similar story for WWII.

One time I played back. Well, it was more than one time. The first few times were failures.
"Hey Eric? Don? Ron? Glenda? Elijah? Hitler? Scruffy? Lassie? Bow-wow? Moon?..." Clearly I was lost. The second I nailed it.
"Hey Dennis," I said. His name was Buddy, he told me, but I refused to admit it. I don't see the difference between refusing to acknowledge my mistakes and winning. So that one was technically a win in my eyes, but if you want to be a real Nazi about, the third time was when I actually nailed it.
"Hey Charlotte." Charlotte, what an exotic name. Like some kind of spider, or city. I really knocked it out of the park on that one. That would be the last time.

I only played back once because I realized that after knowing each others' names, we did not want to know each other anymore. That was enough for us. It made us realize how ugly each of us are inside, which is great, because we could both agree to stay the hell away from each other. It's nice to come to agreements.

Monday, June 7, 2010


I am annoyed. Today I heard an earthling (human, of course) say, "Can you believe it? All the dinosaurs were taken out by just one meteor."

Excuse me? Have you ever met a meteor? Sure, they may not have the "intelligence" you so prize, but were they smarter than the dinosaurs? They killed them all, didn't they?! I think if the shoe was on the other foot, it'd sound like this:
"Did you know that one dinosaur killed all the meteors?"
"Wow. Smart dinosaur."

Humans don't get intelligence. Could a meteor pass an IQ test? Probably not. Could it slam into the IQ test building and annihilate it? Absolutely! Meteors may not have formed a UN and signed international peace treaties and made all these so-called achievements of civilization, but let me ask you this - could they smash into the UN and blow it up real good? You bet!

But meteors/asteroids aren't like that. They're peaceful. They've been peacefully floating about their business for 65 million years. Humans could learn a lot from them. They could say, "If meteors can do it, so can we. Let's let our guard down." That's when the meteors would sweep in and really annihilate everything.

Some Thoughts on Ohio

Obviously, when you first think of Ohio, you think, "Three 'major' cities? Don't you think that's a little greedy?" Yes, it is. And you think "major" in quotation marks because they're not really that big a deal. It's like calling a dump a really big trash can. I mean, it is but who cares?

Cleveland, Columbus, Cinnicinati. All pointless. Then you've got Columbus, Akron... This list goes on. How come we know so many city names from such a crummy state? I've never been to most of them, but I know they're in the popular vernacular. Ohio talks a lot about its self, that's probably why it's so well known. Come on, Ohio, how about a little modesty?

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Bull Riding

Bull riding is stupid. Least effecient form of transportation.

Flip Flops

Flip flops are like convertibles for your big toe, and all the other toes are its beach babes.