Thursday, December 9, 2010

10 Reasons to Bow to Rats

1. Have you ever survived on dumpster and gutter food? No. Bow.

2. Can you make a home inside any tree by eating a hole in it? Yes? Well, most people can't. I can't. Bow.

3. Can you survive naked in any climate? ... What? Yes? ... No you cannot. Bow.

4. How many times has your species stowed away on a pirate ship as a way of migrating between continents? ... Every time rats have? Well... They have sharp teeth. I'm talking razor sharp. They can and have cut through kevlar. That's how they got into my shed - by chewing through my kevlar lock. They stole some tools. It was either them or my neighbor with a bolt cutter. I don't know... Also they can chew through adamantium.

5. They have tails. That's a definite, and you do not. Or if you do - weird. Bow for that at least.

6. They leave cute little prints in the snow with their feet and tails. I challenge any human to have feet that small and a tail.

7. They do not watch 2 1/2 Men. A million points.

8. Rats do not start wars. In fact, if anything, they clean them up by feasting on the corpses. So that's an act of peace and tidiness.

9. They scare the hell out of mice.

10. Because I've spoken with them, and overall they're just better-mannered and more reasonable. If one knows you and it sees you, it will always say hi, or if it doesn't like you, it will say so and tell you why, and then you can come to an understanding that's honest. They don't waste space by building suburbs with split level homes.

So bow, don't poison.

Goodnight, rats.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Being Late

Some people say being late or absent all the time makes you seem irresponsible, but I'm gonna give you the key to seeming responsible: Lie. What you lack in punctuality, you can always make up for in dishonesty.

It's best to lie, and then find a new subject of discussion quickly. So you've got your easy standbys that most people know are a lie:
That thing? Sorry I wasn't there I was...
1. Stuck in traffic.
2. Stuck at work.
3. Being used for psychological experiments beyond my control. It was a crazy one. I'd tell you about it but it's classified.

At least those are mine. But you wanna deflect quickly:
1b. I fell in a sewer! Can you believe it?! A freaking sewer was missing its lid! ... Yeah, no, I'm ok now.
2b. I was installing Christmas lights and got electrocuted. ... No, I've never seen "National Lampoon's Vacation". What's that?
3b. I had to rescue orphans. From a fire. ... No, I'm no hero. They're the heroes, so brave. ... Well, I adopted some of them.
4b. I'm a doctor. Sometimes we get called. ... You didn't know that? Well, I like to be modest. ... Being a doctor? Well, I won't lie - some days it's hell. But when you save even one life, it makes it all worth it. ... Sure, I've saved many. Many many. ... How do I find the time to do that and my other job that you know I have? There's always time for saving lives.

And if you wanna add an extra bit of spite to your excuse, tell something that is obviously false but no one can call you on.
1c. There's a crazy blizzard outside. ... No there's not? Well, there is by my house, which is over 10 minutes away, walking. You wouldn't know, because you were here on time. ... It's summer you say? Well, maybe here, but at my house... Gee, global warming, huh?
2c. I turned into a chicken and then back again. No one will ever be able to explain how or why. Eggs anyone? (do come with eggs)
3c. Yeah, yes I was late... Anybody want cornbread? Just baked it. (do bring cornbread)

Also you can always say you had diarrhea. Just practice your dishonesty and you too can awaken the sleeping liar within. I believe in self-improvement.

Monday, December 6, 2010


Here's the key to success: Merciless self-hatred. What you wanna do is constantly evaluate yourself against some impossible, unreal standard and stick to it. DO NOT ENJOY SUCCESS, EVEN FOR A MOMENT - that's called weakness. Weakness is a great reason to hate yourself, so remind yourself that you're weak a lot. It's like being your own personal coach - abusive and scary.

Assume you can't do it, force yourself unreasonably, and then make small failures into big ones. It's all about perspective - small failure = big failure, small success = failure, actual failure = exactly what you thought you were capable of in the first place, you weakling. So you predicted successfully - success.

I believe in you. Hope that helps.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Helpful Thoughts Series

Why Helpful Thoughts? The most rewarding thing is helping people, lifting them out of the dumps. It's a really great feeling to lift somebody up out of the dumps, because the dumps are hard to get out of, and when you lift them, you feel real big because hey, at least you're not as bad as them.

How to Not Be Depressed

Be more like me. C'mon, man. Buck up. Get out to your Camaro, roll the top down, and throw some money up in the air. You've got plenty of it to blow anyway.

Helpful Thoughts Series: 2

Warm socks? Yes please.

Helpful Thoughts Series: 1

Sometimes I like to eat a banana with a meal, sometimes without. That's something you should know about me.