Wednesday, June 29, 2011

New New Job

Well, I got fired from being a CEO. It turns out I can't send the shareholders each a letter that says "FUCK YOU" and get away with it. I thought I could. It's just how I felt at that moment.

I blame my legion of assistants. They should've stopped me. If they're not there to stop me from doing something stupid, why did I hire them in the first place? Somebody should've stopped me from hiring all of them - probably one of my assistants.

I got a new job with a bicycle rickshaw company. Problem is, when I got fired, they took away my corporate bicycle. Now I have to pull the bicycle rickshaw with my body. That's humiliating.

And somebody left a whip in the carriage. People keep whipping me with it. Even more humiliating, they yell, "yah!". I've been meaning to take that whip out. And I've been meaning to install a sign that says, "No Yelling 'Yah!'". Those are my two positive, outside-the-box solutions. See - can't stop thinking like a CEO!

Although, they'd probably just find something else to yell. That's what happened when I installed the sign that said, "No Saying 'Please, sir, we're in quite a hurry and you've taken far longer - over an hour - than you said you would. I don't mean to be rude but this is really causing a problem.'" They just started yelling "Yah!".

I just keep forgetting to fix it. Slips my mind. Funny how we forget things like that until it's too late, isn't it? You think, "Oops, I forgot to bring some paper towels down to the car again so I can clean the interior," or, "Darn, should've brought my lunch to work today. Now I have to go to Jimmy John's again." The whip thing is like that, only it really hurts and causes pain almost constantly.

Sometimes I pass out from pain. That's my time to relax.

It feels good to be doing something with my body though, instead of being stuck behind a desk. At least that's what I tell myself. To be honest, I really loved sitting at a that desk. I didn't feel stuck at all. I felt liberated. Nothing to do but sit! And be pampered. There's no hot sun, people with whips, or getting routinely hit by cars. Sitting behind a desk is the best thing I've done, and I feel it's criminally underrated. Try it some time. It feels great.

It's way better than pulling a bicycle rickshaw with your body. That sucks. I hate every second of using my body. This body is terrible. You humans chose to have dumb bodies through the process of evolution. Just absolutely stupid - two legs? Only two freaking legs?! Get real! And there's no anti-gravity function! I've gotta deal with gravity all damn day.

But that's not what I tell myself. I'm staying positive. You know - lying to myself.

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