Friday, May 27, 2011

This is the Deal with why I Smell

I argued against having to come back here to Earth - fought tooth and nail. I beat the giant tooth but there's really nothing you can do once the giant nail gets the hammer on its side.

"Fine," I said. "But if you send me back to Earth, do NOT make me a human again. I never wanna see a human again. Unless I can eat it. Maybe that'd be ok. Make me something that eats humans - a cow. No! - a polar bear. They eat humans. 'Petey the Polar Bear', they'll call me. Cute name. 'Petey the Human-Eating Polar Bear'. I like it." And they agreed.

Except I think they only half-listened, or half-tried, or something. Maybe they did it on purpose. I was impatiently checking my watch a lot and I dragged mud into the Transformochine as they put me into it. The mud got transformed into sand. Also, at the time, I was in the habit of calling them assholes all the time.

Long story short, I came back as a half-human half-polar bear freak. (the long version involves a detailed explanation of particle physics, trans-terrestrial biology, and a kind of boring part about what I read in the waiting room. Time Magazine.) To call me ugly would be an understatement. To call me the most hideous abomination ever puked over would be an overstatement. But if I had to err on one side or the other, it'd definitely be on the abomination side. In fact, I'd err strongly on that side, because it's a pretty accurate description, really. Not an overstatement at all, now that I think about it.

When I say "puked over", it's because a lot of people puked over seeing me. Polar bears too.

The polar bear women would have none of me. I felt so rejected. Plus, being half-human in the Arctic is not very functional. I was cold. I became the laughingstock of the polar bear community. Pukingstock too. I only had one date, and I'm pretty sure she was just using me because I knew how to steal the fish out of the research station's cooler.

I told the guys back home how it was going, and they turned me totally human, which was cold - bitter, freezing, -40 degrees cold. I told them, and they made me into one of those freak wolf-man looking hair people. I explained that that's not what I want, and that I want to be a total polar bear, you assholes. Then they said they couldn't hear me, but I think they were only pretending because of the "assholes" remark. I'll show those assholes, I thought. They can hear my thoughts.

Did you know polar bears are the smelliest animals on the planet? It's true. They left that part. I'm still smelly.

They put me on Canada, the northern part. I had quite a time getting down south. I had to stop to buy Nair so many times. One guy shot me with a silver bullet, and he came in for the kill I said, "I'm not a werewolf, you asshole!" Then he shot me again. He had understood what I said, and even believed me, but I had called him an asshole. Some say I should stop doing that, and I respect where they're coming from. But then, hey, they are assholes, so screw 'em.

Eventually my smell knocked the guy out. When I say "eventually", I mean "quickly". There's a BIG upside to being repulsive. It disarms Canadian gun-owners. Works every time. American ones not so much. They've built up a tolerance to horrible stink through years of middle-American culture.

To give you some closure, I'll just say quickly that I pawned the silver bullets (both silver! yes!) after I tore them out of my torso, knocked a Mountee off his horse and then rode his horse to lake Michigan. I used the silver bullet money to buy oats for the both of us, and at this moment I'm sitting in an unsecured wi-fi hotspot using a laptop I also stole from the Mountee. The horse's name is Maple-leaf.

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