New Romance

Gay men like me a lot more than straight women. Way more than gay women. So I'm trying to turn myself gay.

It seems like it'd be pretty easy - go to an antique shop, meet a fancy gay man with good taste, and engage in coitus - not so. For some reason there's a part of this human brain that rejects the rational part. I don't know what to call it - probably "the straight part". That's the part of the brain that rejects rationality. Straightness is responsible for everything that doesn't make sense. I think it's safe and fair to blame straightness for everything irrational in the world.

I can make it to the antique shop, even buy an ottoman that I have no actual use for. I already have way too many ottomans. Good luck getting around my house with out bumping into one. Especially in the dark. Those things are shins' worst enemy.

I have to wear shin guards at night now, like a night-time soccer player. Other night-time soccer players always think I'm on the way to a game, then I say no, and they're like, "Oh - ottomans," and we nod. They're pretty good people.

I can even meet a gay man with good taste. There's an aluminum knight that's painted lime green with pink polka-dots. It's the perfect object of good taste. Any time a guy looks interested in that, I try hitting on him. I have a few pick up lines that tend to work:
"Hey, you and me are gay. Let's do the nasty."
"Howdy, partner, let's do the nasty."
"Hey guy, I'm looking to do the nasty. You?"
"Nasty? Wanna do it?"
"Ola, muchacho. El nasty?" (my Spanish is not great)
"LET'S DO THE NASTAAAY"(said like Cookie Monster)
"Nasty nasty nasty, let's all do the nasty. You and me." (that's sort of to a conga beat)

Nine out of ten times, it never works. But one out of ten times - it sometimes works. I'd say one out of twenty of the one out of ten, give or take. More take.

It only worked once.

But when it came time to actually do it, I chickened out, like a not-gay chicken. I'm so ashamed of myself. I am working on a gay-maker machine though, based on listening to the anti-gay deprogramming tapes Christians offer and replacing all the "don't"s with "do - a lot"s. I'll let you know how that goes. My wife, Chevrolet, she cannot know about this.