Sensitive Reflections

Sometimes, when I think about how much I hate people, it makes me want to fight good.

Quick Chopper 2000

Quick Chopper 2000 - I know what you're thinking: outdated. Right? It's from 2000, and it's 2010 now. Well, you're right in a way. It is mislabeled. If they want to label it right, they should call it the Quick Chopper 2020, because this thing is from the future!

Survival

I've been trying hard to keep this under wraps, but here goes: I'm joining a survivalist resistance. Not for the reason you think - survival - but because I'd really like to lure a woman into a bunker, tell her there's a nuclear holocaust happening, and then Uh oh! We have to repopulate the planet. NO kids though. I don't need to be tied down. After we make it outta here there's a whole world out there for me to live in. I can't be tethered to a bunch of drooling little flesh piles like some ... tether ball. I've gotta be free! Of course, she'll say,
"But the world's all gone," to which I'll say,
"Well, let's take a look."
Then I open the door.
"Hey look! It came back again!" I exclaim with glee, having already gained my prize. See, the thing is - no nuclear holocaust ever happened.

I feel a little guilty about that, but here's how I rationalize it: I wanted to. See? - easy to rationalize.

Plus, if we did have kids, what are our kids supposed to do? Keep populating? Gross! You can't repopulate the world with just two people. Because your kids cannot procreate. Not in my house. And my house is the world now because everything else has been annihilated. So no - repopulation begins and ends with me and your mother. Go find something else to do kids, not procreate, not incest. Gross. Gross gross gross gross.

Thetans

You may laugh at the idea of a Thetan - a robot soul that goes to outer space after you die that Scientologists made up - but it is real. Believe me, someone from outer space.

And you wanna have yours clean. How do you clean it? Well, first you have to go to a place of Scientology - a Scientodome I call them - and then, they'll take your Thetan out from behind your soul and send it up to a space car wash where they specialize in Thetans. Unicorns work there. Doo-biddy-doo-biddy-boo.

What do they do, you ask? First they pick at the gunk on your Thetan with their horns, and then they use their delicate tails to buff it. Then they puke on it for wax.

That's gonna be one hot-lookin' Thetan when they're done with it. You can pull up to stop lights and race other Thetans. Most of them will back down because yours is clearly a winner, based on its shiny, pristine appearance. "That's a hot Thetan," you're opponent will say.

If you'd like to know more about Thetans, you can go here. But trust me, it's just a robot soul.

The Learning Process

I'd like to say I've learned from my mistakes, but here I am, computing in the bathtub again. At least this time I'm making toast in a toaster too.