Sleeping Problems

I can't sleep. It's annoying. I keep trying at all times of the day. I figure since I can't do it in a bed, maybe it'll work in a chair, or in a line, or on someone's shoulder on the bus. No dice.

Falling asleep on someone's shoulder only works for so long. Then they have to get off at their stop, or they gently nudge you back awake. I pretend I don't notice the gentle nudging, which works at first, but eventually they get wise and start really nudging. Then I start really nudging back. No one believes I'm still asleep at that point. But if I admit I've been faking it, then it really gets uncomfortable, because they can address my actions.

Generally, when people address my actions, it's uncomfortable. "Sir, we require shoes and a shirt," they'll say, or, "He's the one! Get him officer!" Two examples. Two very common examples. Which reminds me - it's a bad idea to rob a store in your underwear. Makes it hard to hide the gun.

So here I am in jail. Good luck keeping me. One of the things they don't know about me is I'm an alien with superpowers. Like super-Power of Attorney. I'll have my home planet funnel me money for a rich-person lawyer. I've never been convicted. And it's my fault all that global warming's happening. So think of a crime bigger than that - I'll still get out of it.

I'm the guy that keeps throwing trash in the ocean. That's why there's that big vortex of it as big as Texas. I spend a lot of time throwing trash in there. Frankly, this jail time is cutting into my polluting time. I'm owed for that.

Heard of fracking? I makes it so you can can light water from your faucet on fire. I do that for fun.

I've been tried for all these things and always come out clean - so clean you never even hear of the trial in the first place.

You may think I'm a bad person for all that, but I do it all out of contempt, not love. So I am a bad person, in a lot of ways.

My goal is the total annihilation of the human species, or at least an admission that you're not as great as you thought. I'll settle for either one.

And it's hard to come up with good ideas for that when you can't sleep. I heard Ibuprofen works, so hopefully I'll be back at it soon, in full force.