Survival

I've been trying hard to keep this under wraps, but here goes: I'm joining a survivalist resistance. Not for the reason you think - survival - but because I'd really like to lure a woman into a bunker, tell her there's a nuclear holocaust happening, and then Uh oh! We have to repopulate the planet. NO kids though. I don't need to be tied down. After we make it outta here there's a whole world out there for me to live in. I can't be tethered to a bunch of drooling little flesh piles like some ... tether ball. I've gotta be free! Of course, she'll say,
"But the world's all gone," to which I'll say,
"Well, let's take a look."
Then I open the door.
"Hey look! It came back again!" I exclaim with glee, having already gained my prize. See, the thing is - no nuclear holocaust ever happened.

I feel a little guilty about that, but here's how I rationalize it: I wanted to. See? - easy to rationalize.

Plus, if we did have kids, what are our kids supposed to do? Keep populating? Gross! You can't repopulate the world with just two people. Because your kids cannot procreate. Not in my house. And my house is the world now because everything else has been annihilated. So no - repopulation begins and ends with me and your mother. Go find something else to do kids, not procreate, not incest. Gross. Gross gross gross gross.

The Learning Process

I'd like to say I've learned from my mistakes, but here I am, computing in the bathtub again. At least this time I'm making toast in a toaster too.

Feeling Hurt

What really hurts is beatings and torture.

Good Way to Fail

We all have failures. The best thing to do is to sit up at night and think about them. For instance, once I thought I could get a date with this really cute, smart human girl named Dora Robinson. I did. It was great. We're still together. Bad example.

Well, so one time I thought I'd buy Dora some flowers, and I told her I would, so if I didn't it would be bad. I really set myself up for failure that time. But I'd already bought them by the time I told her, and they were very fresh so they wouldn't go bad or anything - they were in great condition. Ok, that's another bad example of failing.

Hey! I failed to give a good example! See? It's easy to fail. That's something to dwell on at night. Of course, I just gave a good example, so I guess I'm not a failure like you might be.

How do you know if you're a failure? It's easy to tell. Have you ever failed at anything? I mean anything. Then yes.

Once I was navigating an asteroid belt. The asteroids communicated to me that their corner of the universe was shrinking and within their lifetime they'd be enveloped into true nothingness. "Bad news, guys," I said and sped off. I don't know how that's related, but it's sad. And failure is pretty sad - so that's how.

I think one of the best ways to fail is to do it on purpose, like a magic trick. "Oh no, I've lost my hundred dollar bill." Everyone is sad. "Or is it behind your ear?" Everyone is happy, some are laughing. It's good to fail on purpose, when the goal is really to show everyone what a success you are. Still, try not to fail. If I did that magic trick it'd just be, "Surprise, a hundred dollars behind your ear!" Everyone would be happy, some laughing. "And you get to keep it! You all get 100 dollars! Check behind your ears, everyone!" Everyone's ecstatic. That's how I do magic - very very well.

The other day I stepped in dog poop. That was a failure. That's the failure I was sittng up and thinking about. Dwelling on the past is good because it changes it. If you think about something for long enough, and really give yourself a hard time about it, eventually the time space continuum warps around you and has sympathy and agrees to correct that embarrassing mistake. At least it does for me. You guys are just screwed.

Cold Snow... Hot Pants!

from Amanda, based on the true events of www.catsthatlooklikehitler.com:

Cats with 'Staches: Glen (Own Wilson) is a bachelor with two best friends, his brother Ben (Luke Wilson) and his cat, Weiner Schnitzel. In order to attract more women, Glen decides to shave his hair to look like his cat who just happens to resemble a certain anti-Semitic German Leader [probably Hitler - ed.] Gene Hackman costars as Glen's kooky Jewish uncle, Motimer. Coming of age comedy.

mine:

Hot Pants: Luke Wilson is a ski jock who falls for champion skier Kate Hudson. Owen makes him magical hotpants to win the competition and her heart. Buddy comedy/coming of age film.

Jugs: Luke and Owen Wilson go in search of the perfect boobs - coming of age, buddy-type comedy.

Tee-peeing the Sahara: College pranksters Luke and Owen Wilson get into trouble with a West African warlord when they steal his college's mascot and vandalize it. This one's a coming of age film, kind of a buddy comedy/total buddy comedy.

Man, the things they'd get into... Can you imagine the hilarity that would ensue with those two in a desert death camp?! Needless to say, there'd be boobs. African queen played by Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman can be the warlord.

Thrift

I've been thinking pretty seriously of getting a Russian wife, but I think I'll wait for a 2 for 1 deal.

More Hollywood Gold

I've been pitching these as texts, at random, to people who were foolish enough to give me their phone numbers. Somebody's gotta be in Hollywood.

Rose Men: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy about two landscapers who vie for Kate Hudson's love. She employs them. Somebody falls in poop.

I Rub You 2: Owen Wilson is an Arabian Genie Luke Wilson finds. He wishes for Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman plays Jafar in this coming of age buddy film.

Shoestore Cowboys: Luke and Owen Wilson, ranchers, inherit a high end shoe store from their dying uncle Gene Hackman. Coming of age buddy comedy.

In Traction: Luke and Owen Wilson play wisecracking young doctors. Gene Hackman plays evil patient. Zach Braff costars. Coming of age comedy.

Wedding Wing: Luke Wilson marries a falcon. Owen Wilson is its stern trainer. It's a coming of age buddy comedy.

God is My Co-Pirate: Luke Wilson's plane is hijacked by Muslim terrorist Owen Wilson. They were college roommates, so it's a buddy comedy.

Great Balls of Fire: Luke and Owen Wilson play young balls of fire. They have to defeat Gene Hackman, water. Coming of age film/buddy comedy.

Twilight - Wilson Moon: Werewolves Luke and Owen Wilson vie for Bella's love in this buddy comedy by Wes Craven. Gene Hackman plays Edward.

Tragedy at AIDS Lake: Luke and Owen Wilson star in this buddy comedy about falling in water with your clothes on. Gene Hackman keeps pushing them.

Also, from my human associate (barely human - seems more like a asteroid snake in disguise. *Remember to check into that later*), Jeff Robtoy:

College Dayz: Luke and Owen Wilson make big cash as local cover band 'Sublime' in a college town. Gene Hackman as the evil FCC CEO who tries to ruin the fun!

The Royal Tennenbaums: Luke and Owen Wilson are pretentious actors who join a neo-nazi movement to score tail. Gene Hackman as Mr. Tennenbaum. Danny Glover hates cabs.

Money please!

Movie Ideas

My brain comes with trillions of great movie ideas a day. These are just from this morning. I kept note.

Chow Down: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson where they have to eat or be eaten by ruthless, bored aliens. Coming of age film.

Hocus Focus: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. One's a photographer, one's a magician, both fighting for the same girl. Coming of age film.

Battleship Boys: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy as two ex-Navy guys who try running a shrimp boat off the Louisiana coast (possible satire???). Evil ex-drill sergeant played by Gene Hackman. Coming of age film.

Doctor Oh No: A quack doctor accidentally sews Luke and Owen Wilson together. Buddy comedy, sort of a coming of age film. Costars Kate Hudson.

I'm In Rub: Luke Wilson, masseuse, falls in love with one of his clients, Kate Hudson. Owen Wilson plays his brother. Coming of age film, buddy comedy.

Getting Dressed: Luke Wilson has to enter the Miss America Pageant so Owen Wilson can meet the girl of his dreams, Kate Hudson. Buddy comedy/coming of age. Gene Hackman is overbearing beauty coach.

Abe Lincoln - Attorney at Law: Luke Wilson stars as Abe Lincoln in a coming of age film about Lincoln's early days as a hotshot homosexual lawyer. Owen Wilson plays brother - buddy comedy. Kate Hudson costars as Martha, or whatever his wife's name was. (work in sex scene)

Michael Phelps - An American Hero: College buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson plays their mom. Gene Hackman plays overbearing swimming coach.(work in anti-drug message)

Out to Pasture: Luke and Owen Wilson, city slickers, inherit a ranch from their uncle, Gene Hackman, and mom, Kate Hudson. Fish out of water/buddy comedy/coming of age film. They fall into a lake once.

Gift of the Magi: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson as two of the three wise men. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson costars as the Virgin Mary (sexier though). Christmas movie. Gene Hackman's Satan.

Here are two others I got.

From Jeff Robtoy:

Oh, Mohammad!: Jessica Alba stars as a Muslim with very traditional values until she visits New York and falls in love with a priest (Luke Wilson). East meets West with a twist! Will he leave the priesthood? Will she remove her burkha? Is love stronger than God? Rated X.

From Chris Meister:

Puppy Love: Rob Schneider falls in love with a golden retriever. Eugene Levy and The Rock costar.

I'll take some money now.