Great... (sarcastic "great" - not a real one.)

Well, shit. I'm back on Shit Planet, as I call Earth. I called it that in my official reports back home. They told me to stop. I said no. They said, "You will do as you're told."
"Like shit I will," I said.
"Stop saying 'shit'."
"No way. That's the only good thing I got from that planet. That word. And I stole some underwear off a guy while he was wearing them. Didn't take his pants off. But that was more about the experience than actually getting the underwear. Let me elaborate."
"Well you're going back," they interrupted sharply. I was just about to elaborate.
"Like shitting shit I am. Shit hell shit no."
"Now you're just doing it because you can."
"So shit what?"

They didn't like my attitude. I called them assholes, they got hurt, said that I'd only proved their point, and then I agreed that I could see what they were saying and promised not to ever call them assholes again. They were right. I was out of line.

Anyway, the assholes on my home planet saw the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still and were like, "Hey, Ron, that movie's got a point. Go do that." That's when I started calling them assholes again. It only took about 5 seconds. And to be fair, I had to burp, otherwise I would've done it sooner.

So here I am.

Then they all agreed that it was nowhere near as good as the original and poorly acted - the remake, that is. Then, when I chimed in that no studio today would respect the intelligence of the audience enough to make something with the depth of the original, they really laid into me. I'm back on Shit Planet for a 5 year stint. I don't know what that equals in your Earth years. 5, I think. Here's my thing: What do they want to defend the studios for? It's the studio's fault the movie sucked!

Question - how the shit am I supposed to build a goddamned indestructible robot?

Thetans

You may laugh at the idea of a Thetan - a robot soul that goes to outer space after you die that Scientologists made up - but it is real. Believe me, someone from outer space.

And you wanna have yours clean. How do you clean it? Well, first you have to go to a place of Scientology - a Scientodome I call them - and then, they'll take your Thetan out from behind your soul and send it up to a space car wash where they specialize in Thetans. Unicorns work there. Doo-biddy-doo-biddy-boo.

What do they do, you ask? First they pick at the gunk on your Thetan with their horns, and then they use their delicate tails to buff it. Then they puke on it for wax.

That's gonna be one hot-lookin' Thetan when they're done with it. You can pull up to stop lights and race other Thetans. Most of them will back down because yours is clearly a winner, based on its shiny, pristine appearance. "That's a hot Thetan," you're opponent will say.

If you'd like to know more about Thetans, you can go here. But trust me, it's just a robot soul.

Solar Power

The quest for total power - solar power. I've been searching for it for eons. Now, it is within my reach. Soon, I will become The Sun. Who is more powerful than the President? Me, The Sun. Who commands greater force than the military? Well, if it's a little country like Belgium, then most other militaries, but also me, The Sun. Who's the coolest cat playing the hottest jazz? Probably Ornette Coleman. But who has total power in this solar system? Me, The Sun.

Solar power, the power that can shun Pluto to the galaxy's nether-regions like a shamed Amish schoolgirl. "I did nothing wrong," she says.
"Quiet, Pluto. You have been shunned. That means we don't talk to you."
"But, sirs."
"Away!" I say with tears in my Amish beard. Sure, I will miss Pluto. She was my daughter. But rules are rules, and we need those in society - solar society. Those Amish got something right. Also farming, and whoopee pies.

The power that broke up the asteroid belt. Once those asteroids tried to get together and form a union. Now, I'm all for workers' rights, but the asteroids already have it really good. They just float there. And if they grouped together it wouldn't really be an asteroid belt so much as an asteroid flock, and that would make our solar system a laughingstock to the other solar systems, so The Sun broke that up.

What Earth leader can claim that? The Sun, that's who, because it is the leader of the earth. It tells the plants which way to lean towards if they're in a window. It tells white skin what color to turn (red, or sometimes freckly). It powers those new, expensive sun-powered ovens that don't work super-well. I mean, they can cook a pot of rice, but it takes an hour! You call that progress?!!

Yes, The Sun is powerful.

How do I plan to become The Sun? I'm just gonna ask for it to be my next assignment, after being human. Duh.

I bet this all sounds crazy to you. All I ask is for ultimate power. Just super-ultimate-mega power. Power so powerful it makes all other power seem as powerless as a low-power lawnmower that has no power because it's not plugged in. And it's not a gas one, it's a plug-in one, so it's supposed to be plugged in. That kind of power.

So maybe I'm power-crazy, but is that really crazy? No, because it has a qualifier - "power-".

Meteors

I am annoyed. Today I heard an earthling (human, of course) say, "Can you believe it? All the dinosaurs were taken out by just one meteor."

Excuse me? Have you ever met a meteor? Sure, they may not have the "intelligence" you so prize, but were they smarter than the dinosaurs? They killed them all, didn't they?! I think if the shoe was on the other foot, it'd sound like this:

"Did you know that one dinosaur killed all the meteors?"
"Wow. Smart dinosaur."

Humans don't get intelligence. Could a meteor pass an IQ test? Probably not. Could it slam into the IQ test building and annihilate it? Absolutely! Meteors may not have formed a UN and signed international peace treaties and made all these so-called achievements of civilization, but let me ask you this - could they smash into the UN and blow it up real good? You bet!

But meteors/asteroids aren't like that. They're peaceful. They've been peacefully floating about their business for 65 million years. Humans could learn a lot from them. They could say, "If meteors can do it, so can we. Let's let our guard down." That's when the meteors would sweep in and really annihilate everything.