This is the Deal with why I Smell

I argued against having to come back here to Earth - fought tooth and nail. I beat the giant tooth but there's really nothing you can do once the giant nail gets the hammer on its side.

"Fine," I said. "But if you send me back to Earth, do NOT make me a human again. I never wanna see a human again. Unless I can eat it. Maybe that'd be ok. Make me something that eats humans - a cow. No! - a polar bear. They eat humans. 'Petey the Polar Bear', they'll call me. Cute name. 'Petey the Human-Eating Polar Bear'. I like it." And they agreed.

Except I think they only half-listened, or half-tried, or something. Maybe they did it on purpose. I was impatiently checking my watch a lot and I dragged mud into the Transformochine as they put me into it. The mud got transformed into sand. Also, at the time, I was in the habit of calling them assholes all the time.

Long story short, I came back as a half-human half-polar bear freak. (the long version involves a detailed explanation of particle physics, trans-terrestrial biology, and a kind of boring part about what I read in the waiting room. Time Magazine.) To call me ugly would be an understatement. To call me the most hideous abomination ever puked over would be an overstatement. But if I had to err on one side or the other, it'd definitely be on the abomination side. In fact, I'd err strongly on that side, because it's a pretty accurate description, really. Not an overstatement at all, now that I think about it.

When I say "puked over", it's because a lot of people puked over seeing me. Polar bears too.

The polar bear women would have none of me. I felt so rejected. Plus, being half-human in the Arctic is not very functional. I was cold. I became the laughingstock of the polar bear community. Pukingstock too. I only had one date, and I'm pretty sure she was just using me because I knew how to steal the fish out of the research station's cooler.

I told the guys back home how it was going, and they turned me totally human, which was cold - bitter, freezing, -40 degrees cold. I told them, and they made me into one of those freak wolf-man looking hair people. I explained that that's not what I want, and that I want to be a total polar bear, you assholes. Then they said they couldn't hear me, but I think they were only pretending because of the "assholes" remark. I'll show those assholes, I thought. They can hear my thoughts.

Did you know polar bears are the smelliest animals on the planet? It's true. They left that part. I'm still smelly.

They put me on Canada, the northern part. I had quite a time getting down south. I had to stop to buy Nair so many times. One guy shot me with a silver bullet, and he came in for the kill I said, "I'm not a werewolf, you asshole!" Then he shot me again. He had understood what I said, and even believed me, but I had called him an asshole. Some say I should stop doing that, and I respect where they're coming from. But then, hey, they are assholes, so screw 'em.

Eventually my smell knocked the guy out. When I say "eventually", I mean "quickly". There's a BIG upside to being repulsive. It disarms Canadian gun-owners. Works every time. American ones not so much. They've built up a tolerance to horrible stink through years of middle-American culture.

To give you some closure, I'll just say quickly that I pawned the silver bullets (both silver! yes!) after I tore them out of my torso, knocked a Mountee off his horse and then rode his horse to lake Michigan. I used the silver bullet money to buy oats for the both of us, and at this moment I'm sitting in an unsecured wi-fi hotspot using a laptop I also stole from the Mountee. The horse's name is Maple-leaf.

Great... (sarcastic "great" - not a real one.)

Well, shit. I'm back on Shit Planet, as I call Earth. I called it that in my official reports back home. They told me to stop. I said no. They said, "You will do as you're told."
"Like shit I will," I said.
"Stop saying 'shit'."
"No way. That's the only good thing I got from that planet. That word. And I stole some underwear off a guy while he was wearing them. Didn't take his pants off. But that was more about the experience than actually getting the underwear. Let me elaborate."
"Well you're going back," they interrupted sharply. I was just about to elaborate.
"Like shitting shit I am. Shit hell shit no."
"Now you're just doing it because you can."
"So shit what?"

They didn't like my attitude. I called them assholes, they got hurt, said that I'd only proved their point, and then I agreed that I could see what they were saying and promised not to ever call them assholes again. They were right. I was out of line.

Anyway, the assholes on my home planet saw the remake of The Day the Earth Stood Still and were like, "Hey, Ron, that movie's got a point. Go do that." That's when I started calling them assholes again. It only took about 5 seconds. And to be fair, I had to burp, otherwise I would've done it sooner.

So here I am.

Then they all agreed that it was nowhere near as good as the original and poorly acted - the remake, that is. Then, when I chimed in that no studio today would respect the intelligence of the audience enough to make something with the depth of the original, they really laid into me. I'm back on Shit Planet for a 5 year stint. I don't know what that equals in your Earth years. 5, I think. Here's my thing: What do they want to defend the studios for? It's the studio's fault the movie sucked!

Question - how the shit am I supposed to build a goddamned indestructible robot?

Thetans

You may laugh at the idea of a Thetan - a robot soul that goes to outer space after you die that Scientologists made up - but it is real. Believe me, someone from outer space.

And you wanna have yours clean. How do you clean it? Well, first you have to go to a place of Scientology - a Scientodome I call them - and then, they'll take your Thetan out from behind your soul and send it up to a space car wash where they specialize in Thetans. Unicorns work there. Doo-biddy-doo-biddy-boo.

What do they do, you ask? First they pick at the gunk on your Thetan with their horns, and then they use their delicate tails to buff it. Then they puke on it for wax.

That's gonna be one hot-lookin' Thetan when they're done with it. You can pull up to stop lights and race other Thetans. Most of them will back down because yours is clearly a winner, based on its shiny, pristine appearance. "That's a hot Thetan," you're opponent will say.

If you'd like to know more about Thetans, you can go here. But trust me, it's just a robot soul.

Car Horns

Here's the thing about car horns: they're always being honked by idiots. If I had a car, I'd take the horn out. And replace it with a gun.

Is anybody gonna move because you make a "honk" noise at them? Hell no. Try it next time you're in line at the grocery store. Say "honk honk" a bunch of times. Not only will the line not move, people will look at you like you're an idiot, proving my point that car horns are only honked by idiots.

Will they move if you shake a gun at them? Hell yes! Try that next time you're in a grocery store. It works. Not only will they move, they will duck like their life depends on it. Not only will you get your groceries for free, sometimes they give you money from the register. For free! They practically throw it at you - nay - do throw it at you. Also one guy cried.

Also, waving a gun is quiet. And, except when people get shot accidentally - which is often - harmless. I can't sleep with this army of car horns going off outside my house. I know I'd sleep a lot better if it were an army of people waving guns outside my house.

Bull Riding

Bull riding is stupid. Least effecient form of transportation.