Spelling

It's bad if you misspell donuts as "dognuts". I learned this today, ordering things on the internet. I have a dozen dognuts coming to me from dognutsunlimited.com. I don't know if that's pairs of nuts or just 12 individuals. If it's not pairs, I want my money back. If it's individuals, I will grudgingly keep them. I don't look forward to eating them for breakfast.

Sleep Tips

A few tricks I've learned to combat insomnia:

1. Drugs. Drugs are your friend. If a stranger offered me some, I would take them. I don't care what parents say. If you want to sleep and there are drugs around, chances are they will help. The chances are about 50% - you don't know if it'll be an upper or a downer. If it's an upper, not necessarily bad. Those can be a lot of fun if you like cleaning your house like your life depended on it.

2. Breathing exercises. Try doing a sleeper hold on yourself. It stops you from breathing. You'll wake up refreshed, alert, and probably bruised because you hit your face on the night stand on the way down - the night stand, or the floor. I've done both. Also woken up in the fridge. Don't get bored and then see what there is to eat while you're putting yourself in a sleeper hold.

3. Teas. Don't drink them. You'll have to pee. Peeing is the enemy of sleep. Sleep has many enemies. Among them, peeing is number one. Others are loudness, brightness, things that bite/fear, and work. Work is the easiest one to get around.

4. Exercise. This one I don't know. Everybody keeps telling me I should exercise, but I don't know where my sleep muscles are or how to work them. Must be some place I can't see. If you wanna buy a gym membership, go ahead.It's your money. Gym memberships are for suckers. That's my point.

Take any of my tips and you'll be sleeping in no time. And you won't be wasting money on a useless gym membership. Just run and do push ups at home!

Thus concludes my first entry on workouts.

Being Late

Some people say being late or absent all the time makes you seem irresponsible, but I'm gonna give you the key to seeming responsible: Lie. What you lack in punctuality, you can always make up for in dishonesty.

It's best to lie, and then find a new subject of discussion quickly. So you've got your easy standbys that most people know are a lie:

That thing? Sorry I wasn't there I was...
1. Stuck in traffic.
2. Stuck at work.
3. Being used for psychological experiments beyond my control. It was a crazy one. I'd tell you about it but it's classified.

At least those are mine. But you wanna deflect quickly:

1b. I fell in a sewer! Can you believe it?! A freaking sewer was missing its lid! ... Yeah, no, I'm ok now.
2b. I was installing Christmas lights and got electrocuted. ... No, I've never seen "National Lampoon's Vacation". What's that?
3b. I had to rescue orphans. From a fire. ... No, I'm no hero. They're the heroes, so brave. ... Well, I adopted some of them.
4b. I'm a doctor. Sometimes we get called. ... You didn't know that? Well, I like to be modest. ... Being a doctor? Well, I won't lie - some days it's hell. But when you save even one life, it makes it all worth it. ... Sure, I've saved many. Many many. ... How do I find the time to do that and my other job that you know I have? There's always time for saving lives.

And if you wanna add an extra bit of spite to your excuse, tell something that is obviously false but no one can call you on.

1c. There's a crazy blizzard outside. ... No there's not? Well, there is by my house, which is over 10 minutes away, walking. You wouldn't know, because you were here on time. ... It's summer you say? Well, maybe here, but at my house... Gee, global warming, huh?
2c. I turned into a chicken and then back again. No one will ever be able to explain how or why. Eggs anyone? (do come with eggs)
3c. Yeah, yes I was late... Anybody want cornbread? Just baked it. (do bring cornbread)

Also you can always say you had diarrhea. Just practice your dishonesty and you too can awaken the sleeping liar within. I believe in self-improvement.

Arrogance

That last post seemed arrogant, and it was. But here's the deal with arrogance: anybody who says you're arrogant is just jealous of how great you are. Remember that. If anyone tries to "bring you back down to earth", remind them - earth sucks. You can keep it. Only a jerk would want earth and you're beneath me anyway. It's gracious things like that that prove you're better than them.

Hmm... Good Question, Me

How do you break up with someone that's not as great as you? It's easy. Just keep in mind two things: No one out there is as great as you, and great partners are easy to come by.

Let's tackle them one by one.

No one is as great as you. If they were, they would be with your girlfriend/boyfriend right now. But they're not, so now you're girlfriend/boyfriend is sure to live a life knowing they've settled for less, romantically. Isn't that great? Doesn't it feel good to know that for somewhere out there, whoever they are with is only because they're not still with you? Power. It gives one a great sense of power.

Nothing is easier to come by than a great partner. If you are in a lawn and garden section, and you're looking at lawn chairs stacked 12 feet in the air, priced 3 for a dollar, remember that truly great partners are even easier to come by than that. Ask yourself these two simple questions - Are they desperate/capable of desperation? and Have they already rejected me? You want a "Yes/No". A "Yes/Yes" will also do. A "No/Yes" is the hardest, but it can work as long as you constantly remind them how great you are.

Excellent question.

Lessons

Every story should have a moral, a lesson, so: Once there was a little boy who had to learn a lesson, so he got himself involved in a fable.

"But I don't want to learn a lesson," the little boy said.

"Too bad," said the author, "Fable time."

So the boy did a slightly immoral thing, and then was horribly over-punished with what's known as "Germanic Death" - a witch eating him, or a wolf eating him, or a witch burning him alive in an oven and feeding him to a wolf, or troll. I think the thing he did was get lured into a house made of gingerbread cookies and candy like anyone would.

Who wouldn't? It sounds delicious! Well, I would've started outside by eating the candy vinyl siding or what-have-you, maybe the gumdrop gutter... I bet there was probably a garden that sprouted flowers that were really candy. You better believe I'd eat those. Mmm... MmmMmmmMmmmmm... Jmmmmmmmmm... Mmmmmmmmmm... Mmm.... MMMMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmMMMMMMMmmmmmMMM.... I say good work, kid. Just next time, don't let a witch eat you. That's my lesson. To me, that's the moral of the story. But he's dead, so that doesn't help him.

Which leads me to the real lesson: don't write sick, cruel stories about kids.The house was made of gingerbread and candy. How could any child be expected to resist that? If he did, then there's really something wrong with him. It'd take a lot of fables to fix that. So I blame the parents. And more so, the witch. That boy should not have learned any lessons.

So I guess the moral of that story is, don't learn something. Let someone else do it. If you're curious or afraid, good! Follow that. Someone else will try it eventually, and that saves you a lot of trouble, and bravery. Don't let courage get the best of you. Never let courage win.

Good Way to Fail

We all have failures. The best thing to do is to sit up at night and think about them. For instance, once I thought I could get a date with this really cute, smart human girl named Dora Robinson. I did. It was great. We're still together. Bad example.

Well, so one time I thought I'd buy Dora some flowers, and I told her I would, so if I didn't it would be bad. I really set myself up for failure that time. But I'd already bought them by the time I told her, and they were very fresh so they wouldn't go bad or anything - they were in great condition. Ok, that's another bad example of failing.

Hey! I failed to give a good example! See? It's easy to fail. That's something to dwell on at night. Of course, I just gave a good example, so I guess I'm not a failure like you might be.

How do you know if you're a failure? It's easy to tell. Have you ever failed at anything? I mean anything. Then yes.

Once I was navigating an asteroid belt. The asteroids communicated to me that their corner of the universe was shrinking and within their lifetime they'd be enveloped into true nothingness. "Bad news, guys," I said and sped off. I don't know how that's related, but it's sad. And failure is pretty sad - so that's how.

I think one of the best ways to fail is to do it on purpose, like a magic trick. "Oh no, I've lost my hundred dollar bill." Everyone is sad. "Or is it behind your ear?" Everyone is happy, some are laughing. It's good to fail on purpose, when the goal is really to show everyone what a success you are. Still, try not to fail. If I did that magic trick it'd just be, "Surprise, a hundred dollars behind your ear!" Everyone would be happy, some laughing. "And you get to keep it! You all get 100 dollars! Check behind your ears, everyone!" Everyone's ecstatic. That's how I do magic - very very well.

The other day I stepped in dog poop. That was a failure. That's the failure I was sittng up and thinking about. Dwelling on the past is good because it changes it. If you think about something for long enough, and really give yourself a hard time about it, eventually the time space continuum warps around you and has sympathy and agrees to correct that embarrassing mistake. At least it does for me. You guys are just screwed.

Scientific Proof

A lot of people postulate that you can't fit your head into a cereal box, but I tried it, and you can't. That's called proof.

Need more proof? You cannot walk on hot coals. Your feet will hurt really bad and you'll have to jump off. I've tried it - not just a theory anymore.

If you try to put your head in a ceral box, it may make it, but not while maintaining the structural integrity of the box. Depends on the box. That's called a variable.

Need more proof? A grown man can no longer fit into a kitchen cabinet. He may think he can because he remembers doing it when he was a kid, but those cabinets are smaller now because you're bigger. That's not a theory, I've tried it!

Variable: he may be a very small man in stature. He may also be small in character, like, petty. But that's a different variable.

And all this stuff - I didn't try it just once. To be scientifically proven it has to be repeatable, so I did many, many trials over hours of field research. You certainly cannot fit your head in a full cereal box. Full means still containing all the cereal.

You cannot headbutt through a door. My door stands resolutely as proof to that, mocking me as we speak. You win this time, door!

I hate this weak human forehead. This isn't over, door!

More Hollywood Gold

I've been pitching these as texts, at random, to people who were foolish enough to give me their phone numbers. Somebody's gotta be in Hollywood.

Rose Men: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy about two landscapers who vie for Kate Hudson's love. She employs them. Somebody falls in poop.

I Rub You 2: Owen Wilson is an Arabian Genie Luke Wilson finds. He wishes for Kate Hudson. Gene Hackman plays Jafar in this coming of age buddy film.

Shoestore Cowboys: Luke and Owen Wilson, ranchers, inherit a high end shoe store from their dying uncle Gene Hackman. Coming of age buddy comedy.

In Traction: Luke and Owen Wilson play wisecracking young doctors. Gene Hackman plays evil patient. Zach Braff costars. Coming of age comedy.

Wedding Wing: Luke Wilson marries a falcon. Owen Wilson is its stern trainer. It's a coming of age buddy comedy.

God is My Co-Pirate: Luke Wilson's plane is hijacked by Muslim terrorist Owen Wilson. They were college roommates, so it's a buddy comedy.

Great Balls of Fire: Luke and Owen Wilson play young balls of fire. They have to defeat Gene Hackman, water. Coming of age film/buddy comedy.

Twilight - Wilson Moon: Werewolves Luke and Owen Wilson vie for Bella's love in this buddy comedy by Wes Craven. Gene Hackman plays Edward.

Tragedy at AIDS Lake: Luke and Owen Wilson star in this buddy comedy about falling in water with your clothes on. Gene Hackman keeps pushing them.

Also, from my human associate (barely human - seems more like a asteroid snake in disguise. *Remember to check into that later*), Jeff Robtoy:

College Dayz: Luke and Owen Wilson make big cash as local cover band 'Sublime' in a college town. Gene Hackman as the evil FCC CEO who tries to ruin the fun!

The Royal Tennenbaums: Luke and Owen Wilson are pretentious actors who join a neo-nazi movement to score tail. Gene Hackman as Mr. Tennenbaum. Danny Glover hates cabs.

Money please!

Movie Ideas

My brain comes with trillions of great movie ideas a day. These are just from this morning. I kept note.

Chow Down: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson where they have to eat or be eaten by ruthless, bored aliens. Coming of age film.

Hocus Focus: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. One's a photographer, one's a magician, both fighting for the same girl. Coming of age film.

Battleship Boys: Luke and Owen Wilson star in a buddy comedy as two ex-Navy guys who try running a shrimp boat off the Louisiana coast (possible satire???). Evil ex-drill sergeant played by Gene Hackman. Coming of age film.

Doctor Oh No: A quack doctor accidentally sews Luke and Owen Wilson together. Buddy comedy, sort of a coming of age film. Costars Kate Hudson.

I'm In Rub: Luke Wilson, masseuse, falls in love with one of his clients, Kate Hudson. Owen Wilson plays his brother. Coming of age film, buddy comedy.

Getting Dressed: Luke Wilson has to enter the Miss America Pageant so Owen Wilson can meet the girl of his dreams, Kate Hudson. Buddy comedy/coming of age. Gene Hackman is overbearing beauty coach.

Abe Lincoln - Attorney at Law: Luke Wilson stars as Abe Lincoln in a coming of age film about Lincoln's early days as a hotshot homosexual lawyer. Owen Wilson plays brother - buddy comedy. Kate Hudson costars as Martha, or whatever his wife's name was. (work in sex scene)

Michael Phelps - An American Hero: College buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson plays their mom. Gene Hackman plays overbearing swimming coach.(work in anti-drug message)

Out to Pasture: Luke and Owen Wilson, city slickers, inherit a ranch from their uncle, Gene Hackman, and mom, Kate Hudson. Fish out of water/buddy comedy/coming of age film. They fall into a lake once.

Gift of the Magi: A buddy comedy starring Luke and Owen Wilson as two of the three wise men. Coming of age film. Kate Hudson costars as the Virgin Mary (sexier though). Christmas movie. Gene Hackman's Satan.

Here are two others I got.

From Jeff Robtoy:

Oh, Mohammad!: Jessica Alba stars as a Muslim with very traditional values until she visits New York and falls in love with a priest (Luke Wilson). East meets West with a twist! Will he leave the priesthood? Will she remove her burkha? Is love stronger than God? Rated X.

From Chris Meister:

Puppy Love: Rob Schneider falls in love with a golden retriever. Eugene Levy and The Rock costar.

I'll take some money now.

Independence Day

Today ruled! I shot off so many fireworks! See you in court, everybody.