My Mental Breakdown

High-pressure CEO job, sleepless nights, difficult wife - It's finally happened. I've had my mental breakdown and I couldn't be happier.

Here's the part they don't tell you - mental breakdowns are great! You get tons of pity! Plus, waking up in a hospital is always nice. You know that all you have to do is ring a bell and someone will change your sheets, which you can pee in whenever you want.

It happened when I was crossing the street and tried to flip over a bus. Seems like the story might be more complicated than that, but it's not. I was crossing the street from one side to the other on my way to Walgreens, saw a bus at a stop, and got so angry I tried to flip it over.

Did it work? Yes. I think so. I blacked out almost immediately, so I don't know for sure. Ok - I don't know at all. But the next time I passed that stop, the bus wasn't there, so in my book, I flipped it over. Success.

In fact, I think I flipped it over and then kept rolling it, probably back to the bus depot where it belongs, several miles away. I'm responsible, so I put things back after I play with them.

Only one person came to visit me - the doctor. It was great to see him. He had lots of comforting words to offer like, "cough," "I'm sedating you," and, "I told you, there is no rectal exam. Normally people don't ask for that, Mr. Humanton."

The nurses tried to visit too, to be fair. But I yelled, "I'll flip you!" in a way that really freaked them out. I meant in a joking way, but it came out in a very murdery way. I guess I hadn't quite recovered yet.

Recovery's going great. I'll be back in bus-flipping shape in no time. That's the goal.