My Wife

My wife, Chevrolet, she's a heck of a lady. I wonder where she is. She comes around sometimes, but usually just to say, "See, I have husband," to some government agent who's trying to deport her. And one time she needed to borrow rice.

Beautiful woman. She could make the stars weep with pure hatred because they hate so much that they can't have her. But I can, legally. Legally, she's my property. That's what being a wife is. Weep away, stars. Weep from hatred.

Sometimes she and Maple-leaf, my horse and best friend, will go on trips together. I let them use my credit card because that's what friends are for - being taken advantage of.

We met at a hockey game. She stumbled into the men's bathroom drunk and I said, "Hey, you can't come in here, I'm vomiting." It was magical.

I'd gotten in a hockey fight, despite the fact that I wasn't playing. Apparently heckling with "You suck and I want to fight you" is not a common heckle at a kids' hockey league game. They were sixth graders. When they came to fight me I did pretty good, but the dads - I couldn't beat them. Not all 9 of them. Luckily most of the team had absentee fathers.

So that's why I was throwing up. My body was trying to eject anything but the essentials since it was going into survival mode, having just exercised a strong fight or flight response. With the kids it was fight, with the dads it was flight. I'm not good at the flying part. At least not across slippery ice.

She must've been impressed with my fighting moves against those sixth graders, because she married me to get her visa in no time. We had the quickest shotgun wedding the express chapel offered. We got married so fast we skipped right over the honey moon. In fact, when went straight to the "trial separation," as they call it. She said we needed some time apart. We'd been married since dinner. I can't argue - this whole marriage thing is really her specialty. She tells me how to do it and when to stop calling her, and, now, when I can start calling her again. Not calling or contacting her has become the norm. I like that she's willing to work through this.

Every marriage has problems. Marriage is hard, but worth it. There's no better feeling in the world than telling the guys at the police station, "I'm here to bail my wife out of jail. That's right, my wife."

I'm a lucky guy.