Good Way to Fail

We all have failures. The best thing to do is to sit up at night and think about them. For instance, once I thought I could get a date with this really cute, smart human girl named Dora Robinson. I did. It was great. We're still together. Bad example.

Well, so one time I thought I'd buy Dora some flowers, and I told her I would, so if I didn't it would be bad. I really set myself up for failure that time. But I'd already bought them by the time I told her, and they were very fresh so they wouldn't go bad or anything - they were in great condition. Ok, that's another bad example of failing.

Hey! I failed to give a good example! See? It's easy to fail. That's something to dwell on at night. Of course, I just gave a good example, so I guess I'm not a failure like you might be.

How do you know if you're a failure? It's easy to tell. Have you ever failed at anything? I mean anything. Then yes.

Once I was navigating an asteroid belt. The asteroids communicated to me that their corner of the universe was shrinking and within their lifetime they'd be enveloped into true nothingness. "Bad news, guys," I said and sped off. I don't know how that's related, but it's sad. And failure is pretty sad - so that's how.

I think one of the best ways to fail is to do it on purpose, like a magic trick. "Oh no, I've lost my hundred dollar bill." Everyone is sad. "Or is it behind your ear?" Everyone is happy, some are laughing. It's good to fail on purpose, when the goal is really to show everyone what a success you are. Still, try not to fail. If I did that magic trick it'd just be, "Surprise, a hundred dollars behind your ear!" Everyone would be happy, some laughing. "And you get to keep it! You all get 100 dollars! Check behind your ears, everyone!" Everyone's ecstatic. That's how I do magic - very very well.

The other day I stepped in dog poop. That was a failure. That's the failure I was sittng up and thinking about. Dwelling on the past is good because it changes it. If you think about something for long enough, and really give yourself a hard time about it, eventually the time space continuum warps around you and has sympathy and agrees to correct that embarrassing mistake. At least it does for me. You guys are just screwed.